Jokes / Joke du jour!

do you mean the jungle is massive?

Don't you mean 'The junglist massive'...?

no,

cos then that dosen't make sense.

the answer to the question asked, is that the jungle is massive

its just meant to sound LIKE the phrase junglist massive.

jeeeebuz

I find myself uncontrollably shouting "Broccolli!!" and "Cauliflower, you bastard!!!"... That's right. I've got Florets.

why did the mexican push his wife of a cliff?

tequila

I was reading through the ingredients for a fruit salad I was making today and it said:

"Pineapples, five cubed."

It turns out 125 were too many...

I saw on the news that a French fighter jet has brought down a Libyan fighter jet.

That must have been one powerful distress flare.

A man goes to doctor. "I'm addicted to Twitter", he says.

Doctor says: "I'm sorry, I don't follow you"

I discovered twitter recently. It's the bit between a girl's twat and her shitter.

(groan)

From the ever excellent Tony Cowards

"Slightly ironic that Eddie Stobart's life was limited to 56"

The lady captain of our local golf club was stung by a wasp, and appeared to have a nasty reaction. One of the club members with her called the golf clubhouse for advice. The resident pro asked where she had been stung.
"between the first and second holes" was the reply
"that's got to hurt" he said

poo

April Fool's Day is great, my mum totally believed I was collecting her at the airport.

Eddie Stobart has died.
Very sad. I'm finding it hard to articulate my feelings. I hope friends of Mrs Stobart have offered her a hard shoulder to cry on.

New film out in summer about the life of Eddie Stobart. I can't wait for the trailer...

I apologise about these Stobart jokes, I take them all back.
...and back a bit more. A bit more… that's it… couple more feet… stop! Woooah! Lovely job.

BREAKING NEWS: Blackpool Earthquake causes £80,000 worth of improvements.

I asked my granny to bring me back something from Cuba, so she brought me back a Che Guvara shirt...

Clothes, but no cigar.

BREAKING NEWS: Blackpool Earthquake causes £80,000 worth of improvements.

haahah this has been the topic of conversation at post work drinks all night,

i wish we could trade, 9.0 in blackpool and let japan have the 2.2

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!"

Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead beatle for the last thirty years.

A girl goes up to her dad and says:

"Daddy daddy can i get a Barbie doll??"

Daddy replies "Only if you suck my dick darling!"

Disgusted the girl walks away, but soon returns again:

"Daddy daddy can i get a Barbie doll??"

Daddy replies "Baby girl, only if you suck my dick"

Appauled, the girl turns around, but once again soon returns

"Daddy! Please please please can i get a Barbie Doll?"

Daddy points to his groin and the girl, fully defeated unzips her dads flies and gets busy

"Whoah daddy! Your dick tastes like shit!"

Daddy replies "Well, earlier on your baby brother asked for a new bicycle"

sorry.

How the fuck is that funny !!!!??

What have a woman and a blender got in common?

They both make lovely food but you wouldn't wanna lick them out if they were on

^ha! (from MrsFix too)

Potential vs Reality
Written by vingo
Saturday, 02 April 2011 <--clicky

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his fatherfor help.

Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, I'll display it to you.
Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars.
Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then come back and tell me what you've learned.

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means.

He asks his mother,
Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?
His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, Don't tell your father, but yes, I would.

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her,
Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?
His sister looks up and says, Omigod! Definitely!

The kid goes back to his father and says, Dad, I think I've figured it out.
Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we're living with two whores.

Last Updated ( Saturday, 02 April 2011 )

:D

...i remember kicking up a fuss about the wine and food i was served...my family and friends all turned on me and said i was obnoxious with no respect...looking back complaining about the holy communion during my dads funeral might of been a bit tactless

A White horse goes into a pub.

The landlord says to him "there is another pub down the road named after you"

The horse replies "what... Alfred?"

5th floor crew