Jokes / Joke du jour!

met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

  This lorry full of tortoises collided   with a van full of terrapins. 
  It was a        turtle disaster.

  I told my   girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.. She said "Tenpin?" 
  I        said, "No,   permanent."

  I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" 
  The   guy said, "Do        you want an aquarium?" 
  I said, "I don't care what star sign it   is."

  I went to the local video shop and I   said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" 
  He        said, "No, you'll have to bring it   back tomorrow"

  I went to buy a watch, and the man in   the shop said "Analogue." 
  I said "No,        just a watch."

  I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. 
  I couldn't put it   down.

  I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered   just went        on and on.

  I told my   mum that I'd opened a theatre. 
  She said, "Are you having me on?" 
  I        said,   "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

  I   phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside        my   house?" 
  He said, "I'm not stopping you"

  I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me   and he told me I'd been        promoted.        I wa

  I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
  It's tiny: you couldn't   swing a        cat in there.

  I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach   me how to do the       splits. 
  He said, "How flexible are you?" 
  I said, "I can't   make Tuesdays or       Thursdays."