How the !§$%&!!! do you carry a M18 or similar motocycle D-lock?

Throw the lock in the direction where you're heading as far as you can.
then cycle there.
pick up lock, throw again etc.
until you reach to your destination.

bmmf
natural born fuckwit, repeatedly bashed on the head at birth, or forgetting to breathe and starving the brain of oxygen are not on the graph as options for his stupidity

^These had me 'LOL'ing hard

Anyway I know you dismissed the idea of velcro because of the sound (WTF?), but this might help anyway:
https://www.lfgss.com/thread23502.html