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@Lw.
out of curiosity; what do you have against bags? I hate riding with my phone or wallet in my pockets so I need to have a bag anyway...
Back on topic, in your summary I think you may have missed the Velcro suggestion... You need three strips (like the ones skiers use to hold the skis together during transport), then wrap one around each main tube of the bike & lock so the lock kind of floats in the middle of the triangle...
Nevermind, too slow.