Best Man Speech

You haven't lived until you've been to a German wedding.

I went to my mates wedding in Harrogate, she was getting married to a German, his family were there - very nice do, they had the reception on the lawn with a brass band playing assorted tunes, very civilised…

I dropped the band leader a tenner to play a tune that meant a lot to the Groom

Best version of the theme from the Dambusters I've ever heard

true story.

I'm guessing that was a tenner well spent!

I don't know the bride but she is italian and her father is called Don.

There must be some milage in that.

@BDW - awesomeness to the max!

What does brevity mean?

Shortness in duration.

I can't believe I gave a serious answer.

What does brevity mean?

posts something hilarious about ex-girlfriends or something

Oh right, sort of like briefness?

[/moron]

posts something hilarious about ex-girlfriends or something

Yeah, I wouldn't know about that ;-)

Shortness in duration.

I can't believe I gave a serious answer.

You should have been short with him.

Get hold of (or make up) old school reports and use those to base it on.

Don't get pissed the night before, go outside and trip over a low, unlit wall and fall 15ft onto your head, come round 1/2 an hour later, go back into hotel covered in blood causing the receptionist to faint, end up in hospital having 60+ stitches to the head, check yourself out the next day to get back just in time for the ceremony in a blood-soaked turban of bandages, try to stand up to make your best man's speech and then faint.

You want to start with something like: "My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, sorry I'm late, I just popped to the toilet. And while I was there, I saw some graffiti and it said "I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure""

Straight away you've got them by the jaffas.

You haven't lived until you've been to a German wedding.

I've been to several, as my girlfriend of 13 years is German.

One featured a fat moustachioed man in a piano tie playing a cheap Yamaha keyboard, John Shuttleworth style, as the musical entertainment.

Another featured an elaborate and extremely lengthy performance that involved eight friends of the couple sat in a row at a table, banging out complex rhythms using stacks of fluorescent plastic tumblers, interspersed with someone reading out facts about the bride & groom from a sheet of paper. I still have no idea what the fuck that was about.

They have all involved recitals of (non-humorous) poetry written for the occasion.

The beer, however, is unsurpassed. "A keg of the local Kölsch, for me? To drink until 5 in the morning? Oh go on, then."

q.e.d.

Done it twice...

• once for a mate: it was his 4th, her 2nd, and the wedding had been postponed due the death of their giant poodle, couldn't mention any of this: speech over in 5 mins (including reading the cards, and the toast.. everyone very happy)

• secondly for my best mate from school, when his wife hated me so much he had to have two best men, and I got the chance to introduce the wedding cake, again, speech over in 5 mins... everyone very happy.

Seriously... you have your speech in all the above postings.... it's virtually written for you.... you say a little about your mate, how writing the speech was difficult, you sought advice from your friends... quote a few funny stories from above... read cards... sit down.

Fixed.

Other great tips above I'd totally agree with include type it double spaced, big print (do two copies in case you lose one!), and don't get hammered before hand.... oh, and don't mention the word cock. It was funny when you wrote it, won't be funny when you read it.

Good luck, it's really not as scary as you might think if written out before hand, and practiced a couple of times in front of bathroom mirror!

p.s. Let us all know how you get on!

all i can say is, i did it and you don't want to be the cunt who's rude,

i found the best thing you can do is don't read from the speech, use it as a bullet point sheet and have a rough idea of where your going, it makes it more flowing and more natural,

also don't bring down anyone in the speech bar the groom or mutual friends of you and the groom as then you know your on safe ground.

start with a compliment saying how nice the wedding is etc, joke or two, then somethign heart felt, the big joke, and close on a toast, mine was something like this

'bit about ceromy and that looking nice

first joke was something like when i first me the groom, we where made to sit next to each other in year 7, i remember back then thinking, who's this joker? unfortunatly he whouln't go away so we had to become friends,

bit about how i know them together and how nice they are. etc etc

main joke was ' when we where in about year 9, walking acorss the old uni carpark in town we found a whole bag of porn mags, the holy grail of porn, way before the internet was in boob city as it is now. and we took them mags and examined them, we where the kings of the playground for a whole week, now obviously this collection was dumped buy someone who was getting married, so i hope the groom has returned the magazinees back to where we found them sothe next genaration can enjoy them.

and then a toast

simple as, just be funny, not crass, minimal swereing also, then everyone is happy.

Nice :) Some great material in this thread now.

I think we're getting there with the speech. I'll definitely be sure to let you all know how it goes.

Video or it won't have happened. :)

Ha! We'll see.

If you feel like imparting some advice for the couple's future, I like this (from the father of the bride at a 25th wedding anniversary):
'The secret of a good marriage is not give and take, but to give and give and give.'
You can always add a nice complement to this by describing the couple as generous people etc.

Oh yeah - practice it loads. Although it feels really stilted (and you feel like a bit of a menty), it'll make it much easier to do it without reading the whole thing and make you seem much more natural on the day.

That's a nice quote, Chris. I've got it all down on cards now and been through it a few times. Flying back to UK in a couple of hours then tonight at the venue I'll corner the groom's older brothers and get some stories from them.

Got a couple of crackers off the bride via email (their different versions of how they met, etc.) so i think it should all come together.

The mate I did my speech for told his missus he was a chef in an Italian restaurant.

He delivered pizzas.

Fish in a barrel.

I had to be Best 'Man' (I'm female). A huge surprise as I didn't really know the groom; he's very quiet - spent a lot of time on the computer. The only stories I knew of were the 3 motorbike accidents he'd had where he'd broken bones/ destroyed nerve supply to his arm.

People want to enjoy themselves on the day, they want the couple to enjoy it i.e. they'll laugh at anything:

(Had established the groom had been saving for the engagement ring for several years) "I was truly impressed by how well he recognised the need for the ring to cost an arm and leg, I’m sure we’re all impressed by how literally he took the saying."

"Their home is your home, as I have demonstrated by the numerous times I’ve fallen asleep on their sofa. I can only hope that one day I will find the happiness that Nikki & David so obviously share, & such a comfortable sofa."

Genuinely, people laughed heartily at those. That's how much they want to enjoy themselves.

I think as people have said above, keep it short, be sincere, don't try and be someone you're not. I'd got stories from the groom's brother but I didn't really relate to them, so didn't use them.

Oh, don't miss anyone important off the thank you list!

Good luck, enjoy!