Getting started: tools? Tips please!

As someone who has always been lazy and gotten someone else to do stuff for me, and who is also so fecking lazy that I can't be arsed to use the search button above, nor have I heard of Google. Somehow I got a job so now someone who can get a bike on cyclescheme, I'm looking at using this opportunity to order a number of tools using the discount. As a starter, what shall I get? I can only think of the following thus far:

1. Whip to beat some sense into me.
   
2. I'm A Tool
   
   

What else will a tool like me need?

Fixed.

How many more fucking duplicate threads are you going to start you tool?