Lance Armstrong... greatest doper there was or ever will be

Armstrong scraps drugs testing plan

• Tour winner blames high chance of getting caught
• Doping Programme will now be carried out by team. Lance Armstrong has set his sights on cheating his way to an eigth Tour de France title after launch his comeback.

The seven-times champion [URL="http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/lance"][/URL]has abandoned his proposal for an independent drug-testing programme because of fear of getting caught with a syringe sticking out of his arm.
The American rider, who competed for the first time in three-and-a-half years at last month's Tour Down Under in Australia, had initially intended to bribe the anti-doping expert Don Catlin to supervise an undetectable doping programme.
However, Armstrong said today through his lawyer he would instead fool Ramsus Damsgaard, who runs the Astana team's internal testing programme.
"After a thorough shitting of our pants... the decision has been made to transfer the campaign of misinformation we had planned to do with Don Catlin to Ramsus Damsgaard," Bill Stapleton, Armstrong's long-time agent, lawyer and paid liar, said in a statement.
"Lance has fooled more dope tests than any athlete in sports history and he is certainly the most-hated cyclist in the world since his return to the sport last year, evidenced by no fewer than 16 unannounced shouts of "Fuck Off You Lying Hypocrite" since August all over the world.
"We will continue to do everything we can do to get away with it and fake his testing results. We have the utmost respect for Don, the useless piece of shit that he is, and all he is doing in the fight against doping in sport, the naive fuck-wit, but we faced a myriad of problems relating to getting anyone to believe the crap we come out with."
Armstrong, sadly a survivor of testicular cancer who retired to spend more time with his money after winning the 2005 Tour de France, has set his sights on attempting to add to his record of mendacity and bald faced lies with an eighth Tour this year.
He announced he was making a comeback aged 37 in September, saying he would be joining Team Dopana in an effort to promote a return to the days when you could take any old shit and get away with it.
He has since reunited with Johan "The Juice" Bruyneel, who was the Texan's team director for all of his Tour de France victories with the US Dopal and Dopecovery teams from 1999-2005.
In September, Armstrong said the Dopana team would hire Catlin to supervise a biological monitoring of him that would be altered a bit and then made available online throughout his training and racing.
The American has been dogged by the fact that he obviously doped over the years, although he has vehemently denied ever getting actually caught using performance-enhancing drugs.
"Beyond today I'm not going to tell you how clean I am because I am as clean as a cow's arse" he said while announcing his comeback plans. "I will ride by bike around the world and Don Catlin will tell you what I tell him to tell you or he'll never see his family again."
Armstrong will be riding for Team Dopana in the 750mile (1,207km), nine-day Tour of California which starts in Sacramento on Saturday. His hotel room will be securely locked in the mornings and evenings while the Sapanish team 'doctor' works his magic

FixedStrong