Jokes / Joke du jour!

What's red, and sounds like a parrot?

Carrot.

A priest, a rabbi and a duck walks into a bar and the duck quacks ouch…

Me: that's a great accent where are you from?
Them: I'm Liberian.
Me (whispering): _{oh sorry, that's a great accent, where are you from?}

Two television aerial installer friends of mine have just tied the knot
.
The ceremony was alright but the reception was excellent

why are tree surgeons so dull?
because their job's arboring.

I was inducted by Aliens, but I failed the probe-aitionary period....

This is rage-bait, surely?!

why did the nautilus get in trouble
because they told a nautili

What did bruce forsyth always have for christmas dinner
.
Good game good game

Yoko ono never has sprouts for christmas dinner
.
She prefers to give peas a chance

I got offered a job lot of Italian sportswear for christmas
.
Just putting the Fila's out if anyone wants any

Christmas can be such a stressful time
.
I was talking to the president of the flat earth society this morning
.
She said the constant adverts on telly have pushed some of their members over the edge

A couple of ladies from the local golf club decided to get a festive round in before christmas dinner
.
Not long into their round one of them was stung by a wasp and had a serious allergic reaction
.
Her playing partner phoned the clubhouse for help . The chap who answered the phone asked where she had been stung ?
.
'Between the first and second holes '
.
'Ouch that got to hurt, I'll call for an ambulance ' he replied

A friend of mine is trying to give up their addiction to boxing day
.
They're currently doing cold turkey

The local poker club is sadly closed due to industrial action
.
The management are very keen to resolve the dispute and have said all cards are on the table

I've been reading a famous singers autobiography. She reveals her Christmas wishes were a festive door garland and a postage printer. A-wreath-a-franking machine.

RIP M25 bridge graffiti 🥲

This was pure gold 👍👍