Jokes / Joke du jour!

We're going round and round with these puns.

Brilliant

Did you hear corduroy pillows are making a comeback? They're making all sorts of headlines.

A mate of mine from the US was planning a vacation over here so he bought The Ultimate Rough Guide To The UK.

He opened it to find it contained only 1 word;
Middlesborough.

"Nobody ever got fired for buying Microsoft."

"That's because the HR system is down."

Astronaut on his first day aboard the International Space Station is sitting down to enjoy his first coffee break, when he turns to his colleague and says: "'ere, I can't find the milk..."

And his colleague says: "In space, no one can. Here, use cream..."

Talking to a mate the other day about the opening ceremony of the Olympics being held on the river.
“It’s not a great idea cos of the security” he said.
“Not great?” I said “It’s inseine”

I played in a 5 aside last night, the pitch was made of compacted rubble and broken bricks.

They won 3-1 on aggregate

Top 15 jokes of the 2024 Fringe

1. I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it. - Mark Simmons

2. I've been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don't feel like I'm progressing. It's just one step forward... two steps back. - Alec Snook

3. Ate horse at a restaurant once - wasn’t great. Starter was all right but the mane was dreadful. - Alex Kitson

4. I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it. - Arthur Smith

5. I love the Olympics. My friend and I invented a new type of relay baton: well, he came up with the idea, I ran with it.- Mark Simmons

6. My dad used to say to me “Pints, gallons, litres” – which, I think, speaks volumes - Olaf Falafel

7. British etiquette is confusing. Why is it highbrow to look at boobs in an art gallery but lowbrow when I get them out in Spoons? - Chelsea Birkby

8. I wanted to know which came first the chicken or the egg so I bought a chicken and then I bought an egg and I think I've cracked it. - Masai Graham

9. My partner told me that she’d never seen the film Gaslight. I told her that she definitely had - Zoë Coombs Marr

10. The conspiracy theory about the moon being made of cheese was started by the hallouminati. - Olaf Falafel

11. I’m an extremely emotionally needy non-binary person: my pronouns are ‘there there’. - Sarah Keyworth

12. I've got a girlfriend who never stops whining. I wish I'd never bought her that vineyard - Roger Swift

13. Gay people are very bad at maths. We don't naturally multiply. - Lou Wall

14. Keir Starmer looks like an AI-generated image of a substitute teacher - Sophie Duker

15. Growing up rich is a hereditary condition. It affects 1% of people - Olga Koch

I went to a garden centre in France recently, looking for a tool to prune shrubs with. I wasn't sure I had found the right thing, but a guy who worked there wasn't much help when I asked him, and kept going off on random digressions. I pressed the point, and in the end he said they were "non secateurs"

it’s not a joke as such but this is a real convenience store in Camber:
BJ’s On The Beach

Quite a good beach. You can hide in the dunes. They have grass on top. You could hide an army.

Got a nasty case of whiplash after being rear ended in my car. After months of pain I saw an excellent consultant, who put me in a neck brace. I never looked back.

after being rear ended in my car

Ohhhh matron

tupperware are filing for bankruptcy
.
.
they struggled to keep a lid on their expenditure

eric : i'm reading a medical text book at the minute
ernie : whats that about then ?
eric : i don't know the appendix has been taken out

classic morcambe and wise

I get sent this fairly regularly*
I looked at some bread in Tesco and immediately thought of you. Then I saw it said Thick Cut.

*by my mum.

I have become addicted to brake fluid.

It's fine though. I can stop anytime.

Just had Little Richard round to trim the garden.
He chopped all the rhubarb, he lopped bamboo.

Woosh!

What did rudolf take for his headache?
.
.
.
An Elk-a-seltzer

Queues at stanstead were so bad a bloke passed out on the luggage carousel
.
.
He's slowly coming round

The manager of our local cinema has sadly passed away
.

.
The funeral is on Wednesday at 2.30 , 5.30 and 8 pm

Christmas can be such a stressful time.... I was talking to the president of the flat earth society
.
She said the constant adverts on television have pushed some of them over the edge

What did one snowman say to the other?
Can you smell carrots