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I can recommend Percy Nobleman shaving cream as an alternative with no menthol in it. Full disclosure, it is my mate's company, but I mainly use it because I like the smell.
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I used to use the predecessor of this BITD
https://www.thebodyshop.com/en-gb/face/mens-grooming/maca-root-aloe-softening-shaving-cream-for-men/p/p002836Really nice and none of the bs you mentioned.
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I really fancy a cold, burning sensation on my face while I shave
Try shaving with a cutthroat just after you've chopped chili without properly scrubbing your hands. And then, as your mistake becomes bitingly clear, realise you put your contact lenses in without having properly neutralised the deep cleansing solution they'd been sitting in all night and you really need to get them out of your eyes right now.
Or don't. Particularly if your GP is as sarcastic as mine was.
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@Jonny69
Menthol in shaving gel. I really fancy a cold, burning sensation on my face while I shave, surely nobody in their right mind said ever. But there it is, in almost all shaving gels, so most of you sickos must like it.