Jokes / Joke du jour!

could you disguise a horse?
No but I could Mascarpone!

Do you think to mob could affect the Oscar nominations?
no but the could rigatoni!

Told my optician girlfriend I can't see her any more. She moved a foot closer and said "How about now?"

Reckon that’s funnier without the second line

Agreed! The setup is enough

Eh, you can make a joke with just the first line but the second line also adds something, it's not redundant.

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t, you get down from a duck.

Yes. However, I think the setup is enough for the audience to fill in the blank. Much funnier.

My girlfriend just found a load of letters I'd been hiding that proved I'd been cheating.

Guess that's that game of Scrabble over with...

I prefer

What kind of bees make milk

Boo bees

I bought a new dog today. I got it from a Blacksmith.

As soon as I got it home, it made a bolt for the door :-)

Victorian jokes, nice.

A man goes to his rabbi and says "Rabbi, I need your help! You're not going to believe this, but my son has left home and become a Christian!" "Shh," says the rabbi, "don't say that so loud. You're not going to believe this, but my son has left home and become a Christian." "That's terrible," the man says, "what can we do?" "We need to pray to God for help". So they pray and God responds. He says to them "You're not going to believe this..."

What's the most common owl?
the teet owl.

Jill Dando died.
Diana died.
Dodi died.
Dido must be shitting herself.

Ken Dodd's Dad's dogs died
Did he?
No Doddy

My old man's dog had no legs. He called it Woodbine, 'cos every night he took it for a drag around the block...

My friend told ne they are teaching their dog a foreign language. I asked, 'Espanol?'.

He replied, ' no it's a Golden Retriever'

Tiger Woods.
No place for a picnic.

Love it! (But I hail from north London)

I bought myself a Bonnie Tyler satnav. Bloody thing keeps telling me to turn around.

It's a goodun but I only know what a woodbine is from reading ww2 stories, not sure I've ever actually seen one irl. Benson could be a good substitute

I'm actually old enough to have been able to have nicked Woodbines off my Grandad! But yeah, take your point!

Does it fall apart every now and then?

It's definately on the blink - he's always getting lost in France (for old people).

I prefer the vidual Reese Witherspoon, Reese Withoutherspoon version