Jokes / Joke du jour!

A van full of tortoises crashed into a lorry carrying terrapins round here..

It was a turtle disaster

I want to add to that with something to do with a sewer rat but the other half of my curry and another Korev awaits my fullest attention.

The joke up here is to earnestly ask the Geordies if they heard about the big smash on the A1 by Washington?
Yeah, big lorry full of terrapins crashed and the cargo went everywhere.
It was turtle chaos.*

*The punchline works best with a Geordie accent, in my esteemed opinion :)

Stolen from Twitter.com:

In a 2017 Variety article, Quentin Tarantino said that after the experience of filming INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS he would never again shoot on location in Europe. He had endless arguments with the crew because they insisted on using metric for everything, and Tarantino is a foot guy.

What’s the link between Tarantino and feet?

.https://screenrant.com/quentin-tarantino-feet-explained/

Hahaha!

I knew a bloke once, very funny guy. We always said he should be on stage so he tried the stand-up circuit. He bombed, badly.
Things turned out ok for him in the end, though. Sort of. He took a job in the OXO factory. Fell into the cooking vat one day and made a laughing stock of himself.

Hahahahaha this has made my morning 👏🏼

stolen from a work colleague;

i started up a dating agency for chickens, but i had to pack it in.
i was struggling to make hens meet.

A boat transporting blue and red paint has sunk, all crew survived but are currently marooned.

Nice.

A riff on this classic. Almost a repost, but think the below is the original vibe.

A guy gets shipwrecked.
When he wakes up, he's on a beach.
The sand is purple.
The sky is purple.
He walks around a bit and sees that there is purple grass, purple birds and purple fruit on the purple trees.
He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn purple too.

"Oh no!!" he says, "I think I've been marooned!!"

I made up a cheese joke whilst out on a walk the other day.

What cheese do you use to greet a bear?
Port Salut.

...page 8?! That's some serious tumbleweed!

Anyway, I've been reading a book on the history of lubricants. It's non-friction.

Tbh I don't get it? What's port salut got to do with greeting a bear?

Don't get it either.
A cheesy joke no doubt

If you need to encourage a bear use Camembert.

If you need to disguise a small horse use Mascarpone

Port = "paw". French innit. Salute with a paw.

What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror?

Halloumi!!

Any more cultured jokes?

What bee sounds scary but is really good fun to play with?

Boo

Maskspony....

My mum's 80% Irish.

She's called Iris.