Jokes / Joke du jour!

@JAHtim
This one’s for you.
I used my store discount card to scrape ice from my GF’s car windscreen.
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Only managed to get 20% off, though.

Why GF's car? Surely any car is required for the gag to work

I originally heard as a Boots reward card, likely a hangover from that.

Professor X asks a girl: ‘what’s your mutant power?’

Girl replies: ‘I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off first try’

She points up and says ‘3 tries’.

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull, the fan turns off.

Professor X: ‘yeah that’s cool, but it’s not really a super power’

Girl: ‘yeah I guess. Also I can heal paraplegics’.

Professor X, still standing: ‘omg wtf?!’

Niche

My father was Chairman of the Living Human Statues Union.
He held that position for 10 years.

A friend of mine is a Muslim Jewish Christian
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He always has a three day weekend

Have you heard the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

what a genius..

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Found a brilliant online sausage retailer, I'll send you a link.

Let's just get the token "I heard they were the wurst" response out of the way here

^ I've never sausage a terrible retort to a joke

I recently ate some sausages that made me violently sick. Was looking for an opportunity to make a joke about this but it hasn't come up.

One of these days I’ll lorne not to open the jokes thread.

'lets just have a quick butchers' I thought...

To be frank, furter jokes aren't necessary.

👌

Absolute banger!

I had nothing toulouse!

Merguez would be maybe another 2 or 3 posts and we’ll have exhausted all but the most tenuous puns.

Yeah, it's become a right chor; izo tiring.

I had a nice Saveloy once at Schiphol at a branch of Wimpy, but it was a tad small.

I was cycling down the road the other day and I got stopped by the old bill.

He said 'Where are you going?'

I said 'Southall'

He said 'Where have you come from?'

I said 'Vauxhall'

He said 'What have you got in the bag?'

I said...

'Nothing'

Reminds me of
"I haven't touched a cunt all night drinkstable"

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.