Jokes / Joke du jour!

Phoned the Paranoid Advice line, they said "How did you get this number?"

A friend of mine is sheltering from storm arwen in a synagogue
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It should Passover soon

My mate's worried about all the trees in his garden. They weren't there before.

An advent calendar sales representative friend of mine is seriously ill
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Apparently their days are numbered

Jimmy Savile, Stuart Hall and Rolf Harris walk into an Irish bar. The barman says “ah, not you tree again?”

This year I'm buying a friend of mine an LP by a Polish composer and virtuoso pianist of the Romantic period
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That's the Christmas Chopin sorted

Was just at the Christmas markets and witnessed a massive punch up between the guys at the Spanish cheese stall and the German sausage stand, absolute carnage, really was the wurst queso scenario.

Which do you prefer to drink at Christmas ?
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a - hot spicy wine ?
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b - warm spicy wine ?
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c - cold spicy wine ?
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d - none of the above ?
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This is a mulled tipple choice question

A podiatrist friend of mine was hoping to put on a music festival highlighting the works of a famous German composer and musician of the late Baroque period.
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However these sky high covid figures have put them on the Bach foot

ha ha ouch

Yoko Ono never has sprouts for Christmas dinner
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She prefers to give peas a chance

A German baker friend of mine has just been arrested loading up his van
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He's been charged with handling stollen goods

Joseph is in his carpentry workshop and the hammer slips and hits his thumb. He swears loudly
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His son walks in and says ' you called father ? '

Did you hear that Jesus's meteorological equipment, inscribed with his patronymic, got stolen?
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Someone took the lord's name in vane

A friend of mine is trying to give up their addiction to boxing day
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They're currently doing cold turkey

A friend of mine bought his wife bones, meat, seafood, vegetables ,water and wine for Christmas
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He wanted her to dabble in stocks

I had a Salmiakki Koskenkorva as a festive night cap
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Well it was a lovely way to Finnish the day

Yesterday I gave my dinner guests dishes from Finland’s northernmost region
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They Lapped them up

Planned to take a cruise around the coast of Norway.
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... Couldn't afiord it.

So thought to book tour of Norwegian cities
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Didn't know where to Bergen

A friend of mine bought his wife bones, meat, seafood, vegetables ,water and wine for Christmas

Did she use that Swedish recipe?
If so can I take some Stockholm?

I don't know why but whenever I go to visit Pierre the diminutive flat bread salesman I am reminded of little children
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It must be the pita patter of tiny Pete

As a personal tribute to David Bowie, I've made a whole tin of Heroes last just for one day.

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Fish in a tank; "How do you drive this thing?"
https://mobile.twitter.com/ronen_segev/status/1477889582398164994