Jokes / Joke du jour!

It was funnier in my head

Shorely a better punch would be fish and ships?

How do you keep your car so shiny?
“Polish”
Sorry
jak utrzymujesz swój samochód tak lśniący?

There’s a warning that banks give out when you apply for a loan to pay for an exorcism.
If you miss out on repayments, you may get repossessed.

Vincent Price is taller than Katie Price! But heavier than Alan Price. As I found out on this Price comparison website.

I gave up spreadsheets for 40 days.

It was excel lent.

A friend of mine who's an expert on preparing potatoes and other tubers for planting has sadly caught diarrhoea
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He said he's been chitting through the eye of a needle

My friend asked me what my ringtone was.

I said "I've never really looked, pinkish-brown I guess".

My mum keeps accusing me of treating her house like a hotel..

..which she's really going to regret when I leave her a bad review on Tripadvisor!

True story, a friend of mine used to call alpacas and llamas "Happy camels"

Because they haven't got the hump!

The triangle said to the circle: 'you're pointless'.

The circle replied: 'that's just how I roll'.

I’m cooking Welsh-Asian fusion tonight. We’re having Iechyd da noodles.

'Why the 4 year gap on your CV?'

'That's when I went to Yale.'

'Impressive, you're hired.'

'Thanks, I really need this yob.'

Which sports nutrition product did Steve Davis use to fuel his safety play in the World Championship final in 1983?

Clif Bloks.

(Weird how the mind works when you're just waking up.)

A couple of astronaut friends of mine are having marital difficulties
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They just need a little more space

I've just put all our spices in alphabetical order
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My wife wondered how I find the time ?
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That should be next to the tarragon..

a friend of mine who's an expert on the study of the obscuring of the light from one celestial body by the passage of another has revealed their lockdown hair care tips...
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Eclipse it

A friend of mine is very sensitive about his bladder problems
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If you say something out of turn urine trouble

There's been a fire at a friend of mine's vegetable packing factory
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They're sifting through the chard remains

got a call from the local rifle range asking if I wanted to give it a go
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when I asked why they'd called me
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at your age you're our target audience

got a call from the local rifle range asking if I wanted to give it a go
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apparently I'm their target audience

?

I really like that one (modified as above).

The classic @JAHtim scatter gun approach hits the target.

Keep it up Tim, it's become a vocational effort!

I hear the local archery club feel the same about you.

I managed to get front row seats for the archery
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I had to pull a few strings to get them

On a rather windy day at the rifle range the usual targets were replaced by lumps of cheese
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I was shooting the bries