Jokes / Joke du jour!

I was out on my bike yesterday when someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me.

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.

I started carrying a knife a couple of years ago after an attempted mugging. Since then my muggings have been much more successful.

Had an asthma attack yesterday. Three asthmatics attacked me. Partly my fault, should have heard them coming.

Ha!

At school I was the best at wasting paper by quite a large margin.

Excellent

Sean Connery was very much into recycling especially on pancake day
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He thought it was an egg shell lent idea

What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon?
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He doesn't, he's dead.

Excellent!

A friend of mine went to see the doctor about his tennis elbow
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She asked ' how many years has this been troubling you ? '
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' about 15 , love '

Wimbledon tennis club 's website is down
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They're having trouble with their server

A friend of mine's tennis court installation business is going well
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Net profits are up

A friend of mine has been leaning on fizzy pop to ease the misery of lockdown
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They've found it soda pressing

Networks around the world are struggling to report the latest outbreak of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwlllantysiliogogogoch covid variant recently identified in Wales

My girlfriend got upset when I had my anus bleached. There’s no pleasing some people. She’s the one who told me to change my ring tone!

Who's your favourite James Bond? Mine is the fictional spy.

An actor friend of mine has retrained and is now working for MI6
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They love Thespianage

I'm not sure who to believe out of Salmond and Sturgeon
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They both sound a bit fishy to me

Went out for dinner last night and had a pelican burger. It was very nice, but the bill was huge.

A friend of mine who is an expert on cantaloupes and brassicas has been struggling during lockdown
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They're feeling melon cauli

my lad got sent home from school today with a letter from the teacher saying he was illiterate.

Bloody cheek! Me and his mum were married three months before he was born.

Actually Sorry to learn piers morgan has been sacked from GMB.

I’ve left him a message of sympathy on my own voicemail.

Excellent.

Great and stolen