The World's Fattest Man with no bike! aka - find hippy a new bike aka - Just get ( fill in blank )

It's a toy baguette. Get your mind out of the gutter!

Salsa is a bikepacking brand so lots of mounts and bags made for frames

Most of those I've never heard of and all seem a bit yoof oriented.

There will be no hucks or whips in my bike life.

New requirement. No curvy tubes.

How about: https://nordestcycles.com/en/product/sardinha-2-frame

Another one: https://bombtrack.com/2021-cale/

Samuli mentioned them. I've not looked at them yet. Looks nice except the lellow.
Do the specs match my cough needs?

Yep

Will you consider not having suspension in exchange of mounting options?

Nordest will do wonders for your social media impressions

Not a fan of the looks but it could work.

No, I'd just use the gravel bike or swap the sus fork for rigid if the 'race' dictated it.

I care not for "likes". Technically they fall under bikes I've never heard of but Samuli mentioned them so they get a pass.

Nordest aren't shipping to the UK any more #brexit

One issue you may have @hippy is that 68 degree ( modern XC ) head angles aren't often found on steel bikes anymore, as that material isn't so popular amongst racing types

Even bikepacking mtbs appear to have veered towards 66 degrees now

I’ve heard an upcoming builder going by the name of Philip still builds steel bikes with 68 degree headtubes. Busy schedule though

Busy schedule though

All that Zwift racing

You just want me to buy a Cotic.

That Orange thing does look sweet though.

I want you to get one of these, but know that will never happen

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Magnesium with Beryllium stays for lateral stiffness and vertical compliance.

The short head tube and related main triangle squish. All that bag space gone!

That is a rather small 27.5 version of the bike

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Ym2F-tHdkk

#mehdoitonmygravelbike

Has Surly Krampus (spits) been discarded?

Brother Big Bro?