Jokes / Joke du jour!

A fortune teller told myself I'd suffer a devastating heartbreak myself in 15 years time. So I've just got myself a puppy to cheer myself up.

You're getting it!

A fortune teller told myself I'd suffer a devastating heartbreak myself in 15 years time. So I've just got myself a puppy to cheer myself up. You're getting it!

Not sure I quite agree with the most recent addition, but let's run with it

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I myself went to a fortune teller who told myself that I myself will suffer a devastating heartbreak myself in 15 years time. Oh my I said to myself that is upsetting and I myself am disheartened by the news I myself just heard why my very own ears myself. So I myself just got myself a puppy to cheer myself up. You're getting it!

Not sure I quite agree myself with the most recent addition, but let's run with it

A cashier friend of mine is having trouble letting some bananas out of the store.
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Apparently they’re strictly for scale.

Does anyone know if it's possible to have a skin graft taken from a buttock to donate to someone who isn't a relative?

Arse skin for a friend.

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The first rule of mime club is, you do not talk about mime club.

The first rule of mime club is

*exaggerated closing of mouth, zipping motion in front of mouth, pretends to lock tiny lock at side of mouth and throw away key, points and wags finger*

I used to be really good with Roman numerals, but I've forgotten how to write 1,1000,51,6,500.
IM LIVID

I heard a rumour that they were going to ban Roman numerals.
Not on my watch!

Not on my watch!

The entire debate on this is on the Horology thread.

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.

"Don't you mean a martini?", the barman says.

"If I had've wanted a double, I'd have asked for one!"

Why is there so much hate around the Roman numbering system?
I for one, quite like it.

I’m terrified of the vertical axis

Therapist: Why?

Aaaaaaaaaaagh

House round the corner from me has like a joke of the month in its window for some reason, I quite like this month’s

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Parents with inquisitive children under 5 will recognise that feeling.

I'm going to a meeting at the nudist camp tonight
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Well I've got nothing on

A friend of mine has just been swindled by a nudist
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The barefaced cheek of it

I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki.

I dropped her off at work one day and she just vanished into Finnair...

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Nice!