Jokes / Joke du jour!

A diplomat friend of mine has just been posted to the Himalayas
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They've really gone up in the world

A manicurist friend of mine has just passed their exams
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She absolutely nailed it

An osteologist friend of mine thinks they've done well in their exams
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They can feel it in their bones

A friend of mine has lost their job at the turkey farm
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For the use of fowl language

Think I’m going to enjoy this thread loads more now...

I'm meeting an expert on south american camelids tomorrow at midday
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I've told them alpaca lunch

Yup me too

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

An Irrelephant.

Did it take offence? Mastodon.

There’s one here right now but let’s not talk about it.

Today I learnt Albert Einstein was a real person. I'd always thought he was only a theoretical physicist.

He was a great man, but his brother Frank was a monster.

(Let's not get into the Dr. vs monster detail here)

A friend of mine who is an expert on flightless birds is regretting some of their recent comments
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He fears he could become an ostrich to fortune

Vandals have trashed the lutrinae enclosure at London zoo
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Its a scene of otter chaos

A half man half horse friend of mine is such a show off
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They always have to be the centaur of attention

My wife asked me, ‘have I seen the dog bowl?’
I replied, ‘to be honest, I didn’t even know he played cricket’..

A friend of mine has just landed the top nephology job
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He saw off some cirrus competition

Fortune Teller: You will be very poor until you are 35.
Man: And after that?
Fortune Teller: You will get used to it.

A fortune teller told me I'd suffer a devastating heartbreak in 15 years time. So I've just got myself a puppy to cheer myself up.

I've just been online to buy a ouija board and couldn't find the size I was after
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They'd run out of mediums

A colour blind friend of mine has taken up fortune telling
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It's going alright but they can only see the fuchsia

That appeals to me but I would tweak the punchline a touch.
So I've just got a puppy to cheer myself up.

Dunno what you're talking about ;)

To be fair, I've only ever told it verbally before so I had to re-read it a few times to actually spot the difference!

Ha, I deleted a "myself" from mine so it sounds even better.