Jokes / Joke du jour!

A dolphin expert friend of mine has opened a camping shop . They've named it
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For all in tents and porpoises

A friend of mine can't decide whether to do their PhD on scatology or coprology
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They're caught between two stools

Man is walking around looking for some lunch and he spots a food truck. He sees the beautiful woman serving and decides to check out the menu.
Cheeseburgers £5
Chips £2
Handjobs £10
“Are you the one who gives the handjobs?” He asks.
“Of course!” She replies enthusiastically.
He slides a tenner over the counter.
“Well wash your hands then, I’ll have 2 cheeseburgers”

This is ace

Did a lol

Some favourite punchlines of mine:
You fuck one sheep
It's not a lion it's a giraffe
Don't mess with him, he's a cycle path

It's not a lion it's a giraffe

Classic

Don't mess with him, he's a cycle path

See also "Don't mess with him, he's menthol"

Yes! That's the other one!
I'd forgotten.

An acne treatment sales person friend of mine has broken lockdown rules
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They've been issued with an on the spot fine

I ate so much eggs benedict while I was in Amsterdam that I just refer to that period as my Holland days.

My girlfriend left me because she said I'm obsessed with crosswords but I'm trying not to be two down about it

What do dad jokes and a certain snack food have in common?

Once you’re Pop, you just can’t stop.

Erm. I’ll get back to the Teams management protocol meeting now.
Sorry.

Https://twitter.com/mrnickharvey/status/1350361429367513091?s=19

1 Attachment

Very good

whats the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?, one takes thing, literally, and one takes things, literally

A friend of mine has taught their dog to do magic tricks

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It's a Labracadabrador

A friend of mine has just written f off on their plaster cast
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They've added insult to injury

I can't tell if your quality is improving or I'm just getting more into your style.

I went to the pet shop today to buy a goldfish.
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The owner asked if I wanted an aquarium ?
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I said I don't mind what star sign it is

Jamie: It's my favourite part of the day, JAHtim's joke

You have one too many commas in that. "One takes things literally and the other takes things, literally."

I invited a chess champion friend of mine for dinner last night and made the mistake of using a checked tablecloth
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It took over 5 mins to pass the salt

That feeling at the airport baggage carousel when everyone else’s luggage is better than yours

Worst case scenario

Pinched off a podcast