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Brommers
Glad my tale of woe got you a fandangled new cooker. Thanks @Howard for the advice and good luck @hippy with the paperweight.
So, an update on Quarq. My mild trolling of their IG accounts got me blocked from the sramroad account but kept my trolling to private messages on the quarq account. Anyway, seemed to work as I got an email from their head of customer service asking if she could call me. Today I got a call from Indiana from said head of customer support, Jeny.
She was extremely nice, explained that Alex who had been emailing me had been applying the rules a little too strictly and that they'd taken the opportunity to provide him with some "additional learning". I said I didn't mean to land him in trouble but I was quite surprised by his short and uninformative responses.
She's offered to replace it foc despite being out of warranty. Which is a nice gesture. But I had originally hoped there might be a reduced price replacement scheme for situations like this, so the offer of a foc replacement has caught me a little off guard and TBH and my weird self imposed ethics say not to take up the offer (as I can live without power measurement, there are bigger things to worry about in the world at the moment). But credit where credit is due to Jeny and I felt it only right to post the outcome here. Public praise to balance the public moaning.