Jokes / Joke du jour!

Just accidentally ate some lipstick, a pot of mascara and a jar of foundation.

You can't shit this make up.

Spread the love!

meh

lol

I went to a dyslexic rave at the weekend. All the kids were off their faces on F

I was in a club in Dundee the other week

I went up to this beautiful girl......I said 'You're stunning'

She said 'Ahm no stunnin'......ahm sitting doon'

#regionalniche

I don't often tell Dad jokes,
but when I do he always laughs.

Joker: What be a pirate's favourite letter?
Jokee: R?
Joker: Ye might think it be ARRRR, but a pirate's first love be the C.

Bloke picks up a beautiful young female hitchiker little knowing she was a witch. They hadn't been driving long when she reached over, touched him on the thigh and he turned into a layby.

#Bringbackrep

I remember the day I saw a photographer get crushed by a huge block of cheese.

We all tried to warn him.

Rick Astley: Which of these DVDs would you like to watch?
Wife: The one where the old man ties balloons to his house and flies to South America.
Rick: NO!

Wonderful!

Rick: Never!

ftfy

What’s the definition of indefinitely?

When you can feel your balls slapping against her arse, then you’re in, definitely.

Was that a Roy Chubby Brown original?

This one will be a real hit with the lufguss readership, for sure.

It’s a broad church. It’s a crass gag but I’m still in credit with my Nando’s gag so I’ll just ride it out

To make it equitable, you could try putting his in her's place, or indeed his in either of you're's and/or yours in her's. Or even her's in your's.

I could (and actually thought about it) but that would sound just too contrived, no?

See also: I got pissed on a night out recently and entered the young musician of the year for a bet. He was furious!! *

*Matt Lucas gag, not mine obvs

I could (and actually thought about it) but that would sound just too contrived, no?

I fear you wouldn't recognise a double entendre if I gave you one...

Reminds me a bit of this

https://youtu.be/i_xVAqJ-NY0

SCAPABOBIDIDDYWIDDILYDOOBAPDAPBAPAPHOBIA

= the fear of freestyle jazz.

Me: someone we know is possessed by a owl.

Freind: Who?

Me: narrows eyes

nice one