Jokes / Joke du jour!

It's only repartee if it's from the Repartee region of France, otherwise it's just sparkling wit.

Professor X: What’s your super power?

Me: Hindsight

Professor X: That’s not going to help us

Me: No. I see that now.

Ha!

A couple of astronaut friends of mine are having marital difficulties...
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I think they just need some space...

What do you do if you see a spaceman?

Park your car, man....

Someone came into the library where I work today and asked if we had a book on Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat.

I said it rang a bell but I wasn't sure if it was there or not.

The area between the front and back doors of a Nando’s restaurant is called the peri-perineum.

Ha. That is superb.

Cheeky.

I went to see the stalactites at Cheddar Gorge, the guide asked us not to crack one off.
I managed even though she wasn’t much of a looker

How many Opticians does it take to change a lightbulb?

1... or 2?
1... or 2?
1... or 2?

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift voucher worth £50.

At the second house they presented him with an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a woman wearing nothing but lingerie.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she gave him the most passionate love he had ever experienced. Afterwards they went downstairs, where the woman fixed him a full cooked breakfast with freshly squeezed juice. She poured him a cup of coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a five pound note sticking out from under the cups bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?"

"Well," said the woman, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you and he said, "Fuck him. Give him five quid."”

She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea."

I went into a pet shop to buy a wasp

He said 'Sorry, we don't sell wasps'

I said 'What about the one in the window?'

#oldjokeshome

“Excuse me pal, do you know you’ve got jelly and custard in one ear and cream and hundreds and thousands in the other?”

“Sorry, you’ll have to speak up, I’m a trifle deaf”.

Classic!

see also: "what do you call a gorilla with a banana in each ear?"
"anything you want, he can't hear you"

Where can you find an upside-down tortoise?

Where you left it.

What roams the steppes laughing, while being very clean?

A hygiena.

From Instagram

1 Attachment

love it!

Who is the patron saint of email ?
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St Francis of a c.c.

fantastic

I was chatting with my nephew last night and he mentioned that he wanted to buy an orrery. Honestly, kids these days want the moon on a stick.

I love this! I’m going to re-broadcast to friends and claim credit if that’s ok :-)

pirate jokes up thread just inspired this one:

Why are pirates attracted to confident french women?

They're très sûre

They do have a certain je ne sais QUAAAARRR