Jokes / Joke du jour!

Boiling water. Stolen. Thank you

If a turtle is flipped on to its shell, it can starve and eventually will diapsid-down.

Hahaha

Why shouldn't you wear y-fronts in ukraine?

Chernobyl fallout

good grief

good briefs

Back in the day we recited that one as follows
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Why shouldn't you wear russian underpants?
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Because Chernobyl fallout

Michael Gove's cocaine admission may put his career on the line ...

In other news....
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There has been a massive cannabis seizure in sarf babylon-don
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Police and customs mounted a joint operation

I had to fix Cat Steven's caravan today.

His awning had broken...

God: you’re a parrot.

Parrot: ok.

God: you can repeat everything you hear.

Parrot: humans are the worst.

God: uh what?

Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.

God:

Parrot:

God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?

Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.

Shouldn’t have made me laugh as much as it did.

Stolen.

Like, he was all moaning... etc.

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

789.......

They say you should never fight fire with fire

And that's why my Dad got sacked from the Fire Brigade

Yo momma is so short, you can see her feet on her driver's license.

this isn't an invitation to go crazy with yo momma jokes just thought this one was great

What do you call a homing pigeon that can't find its way home?

A pigeon.

EDIT: Nah. Relayed a joke I heard that while not racist, employs a deceit that relies on a racist assumption. Decided I’m not even going to touch that area of humour.

I've heard that joke, but with the addition of "...you racist" in the punchline, in response to the person being told the joke's "I don't know"

I went to see a film about Orion's belt the other night. Not bad, not great either.

Three stars.

homemade gag alert

Ever since I started my cat on his new food, he's really become aggressive

He's walking about the place, giving it the big iams......

Ha!

Ha!

I saw Sinead O’Connor in a birdwatching hide and asked her what activity she’d seen.

“It’s been seven owls and 15 jays.”

"All Tory MPs think Boris is an arse, except for Chris Grayling, who thinks he’s an elbow.” - Richard Osman