Jokes / Joke du jour!

aces

I have a half-finished follow-up where the waiter takes it away again, then (and this bit needs work...) replaces it with a fish dropped from a passing warplane.

... bomb bay duck.

• “Waiter, this soup is cold!”
  
• “Sir, it’s Gazpacho.”
  
• “Gazpacho, this soup is cold!”
  

hahahaha

I’ll nail your beak to the bar!

Ducks don't have easily nailable ears...

Meta?

Fucking hell, no, just a massive fail on my part. I know that joke but with a rabbit/ears, apparently I managed to insert what I expected to see... as you were...

massive fail

Haha, I envy your frame of reference!

Roses are red,
I want to wear your skin,
I'd like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn.

Hahaha

I used to be rubbish at touching piles of things, but now I feel heaps better.

Brill :-)

Stolen (and tweaked a bit)

It used to make me sad how bad I was at touching piles of things. But now I feel heaps better

while I remember, I want to thank you all for your wonderful support in my effort to understand the meaning of the word ‘many’.
It means a lot

lol

Had dinner with Paul Weller today. Left when his dessert arrived so I left him eating trifle, eating trifle.

Ha ha. That’s bad but also good.

Neither of you sick down your shirt?

I went to the zoo the other day, to watch the monkeys wanking.......then I went to have a look at the elephants, still wanking.

Stolen from QI on Dave.....I can't sleep

Hmm...usually works for me. Try staying in bed....

I’ve had a terrible night - neighbours banging on the doors at 2am...........luckily I was still up playing my drums but still.......

At an airport I once saw a bunch of transcendentalists boarding a flight they’d chartered.
At least I assumed they were transcendentalists because they were on a hire plane.

Superb.

You think you've got noisy neighbours!
I can't hear myself drilling some nights.

Hello, Police.

• Hi. I'd like to confess to chucking a dessert at someone. It was only a dessert though.
  
• Just pudding you threw?
  
• Thanks.
  

quality