Jokes / Joke du jour!

Now the missus isn't talking to me cos I didn't open the car door for her.

I was swimming for my life!

enter code here

I was having enough trouble treading water.

I've just spent half an hour filling the printer with paper. No matter how much I added, it kept displaying the error message, "Just can't get enough."

Turns out it was stuck in Depeche Mode.

good grief

Nice one landslide for those not of a certain age it got to number 8 in 1981 👍

The song or the joke?

A conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates god says to him “welcome, as a reward for getting here I’ll answer any question you have”.

The conspiracy theorist asks “JFK, who really killed him?”. God answers “it was Lee Harvey Oswald, he acted alone”.

“Oh shit, this goes higher than I thought”

haha

What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job?

He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.

What do you get if you cross a paedophile and a pirate?

Arrrr Kelly.

I don't know if this is a scam or not but I just got a text saying I've won £250 cash or two tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.

PRESS 3! And go!

The missus reckons I've got two serious problems, I don't listen and something else.

A duck walks into a bar
“Got any bread?”
“No”
“Got any bread?”
“No”
“Got any bread?”
“No! And if you ask again, I’ll nail your beak to the bar!”
“Got any nails?”
“No”
“Got any bread?”

Surely this works better with a rabbit? Ducks don't have easily nailable ears...

Rabbits don't eat bread obvs

Surely this works better with a rabbit?

Rabbits can't talk though...

Rabbits don't go in pubs either

Ducks aren't supposed to either. You're supposed to feed them peas.

https://www.independent.co.uk/environment/nature/feed-ducks-frozen-peas-instead-of-stale-bread-charity-asks-10111166.html

Not sure ducks know this, so maybe the joke still works.

Q. What should you do if someone throws frozen peas at you?
A. Duck.

I was in a restaurant and a duck waddled over and said "Your eyes are limpid pools of desire, I yearn for you carnally".

I said "Waiter, I asked for AROMATIC duck".

I canardly believe you posted that. etc.

Oh peas, keep 'em coming!

Probably a pearoast....

A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant.
They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special, "Chicken Surprise."
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes looking around again before it firmly slams back down.
Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"
"We both chose the same," he replies, "the Chicken Surprise."
"Oh I do apologize, this is my fault," says the waiter...
"I've brought you the Peking Duck."