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@BrickMan
Making slight progress, got a 'CEO' complaint in action, which means probably very slightly more than absolutely zero shits will be given, maybe an 1/58th of a shit will be given by this company.
So far the original normal 'wheres my parcel' process has led to them emailing a depot. A depot that when I rang them (found a secret number on a forum somewhere) a guy with much less than ideal English speaking ability due to incredible levels of intoxication and zero shits to give answered. Conversation was pretty hilarious, wish I'd recorded it for £££tube or something, he seemed genuinely confused how I'd rang him, and then what his job was, and then what building he was in, pretty sure at some point he invited me to the pub. So don't hold out any hope that the email sent by 'senior customer service team member' will mean anything. I wonder if I run my business like that I will still be around even next month yet these guys are still going after many years of fail. Good work hermes.