• Most people call me "Mike", but once this lady called me "Michael". I just flew off the handle.

    "LEARN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE, WORM!" I screamed at her. "You've already conveyed enough lexical information in the first syllable of that utterance!"

    She just looked confused, so I took a photocopy of Paul Grice's Studies in the Way of Words, folded it into a Milwall brick and struck her with it until her skull caved in. I started ripping off her lips with my teeth, snarling about conversational implicatures and spraying blood across the tiled floor of the nursery reception.

    Some people!

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