The Mamnick Thread

Chapter 2 – Dick Stoodley P.I. gets his coat

Its 8pm and a light goes on in the house. Party time.

Dick gets out of the Mondeo, or the Mundane-o as he calls it, the perfect undercover vehicle. He eases the car door closed as silently as he can.

Dick’s a big unit, but is as silent as a ninja. Two hundred and forty nine pounds.......................... and ninety nine pence that ninja costume cost. It was made in England and worth every damn penny. Dick wished he’d brought that along tonight.

Dick says no to foreign. There were good reasons to buy a European or Jap car. The herd did, they’re everywhere. But there ain’t a shepherd been born could herd this Dick. Besides, Dick’s Dad didn’t come back from Dunkirk in WW2, no way in hell Dick is buying a German, Italian, Jap or French car.

A kid wheelies past deliberately close, close enough for Dick to smell the skunk he has somewhere on him. Damn kids. What is he, 14? Where’s his Ma? Sucking cock for rock on some street corner no doubt. Another victim in a town of lost souls. Can’t hate the kid, he ain’t got nothing. But Dick ain’t no babysitter. There’s plenty of women to do that. Not many folk prepared to do what Dick Stoodley does.

Dick had a mac like Columbo’s off the telly for 15 years. There’s always a Dick pressed up against a mac. Dick’s got so stained with blood and gravy it looked like a butchers apron. Dick bashed a lot of meat in those years, a normal man would have gone blind, seeing what Dick’s seen.

Dick’s boss, weasel Barry, was a short, fat man so spineless Dick was surprised he could walk. Barry told Dick the mac had to go, it was scaring folk. Barry had his uses. He took the referrals, he dealt with the clients face to face, he showed sympathy, he pretended to care. Dick would rather not do that. Its not that Dick was bad with people. Dick was Dick. Its just people seemed to struggle with that. Barry and the others, they don’t know what’s really going on. Reality is a bitch, too harsh for some.

So Dick has a new coat, a Hathersage jacket from Mamnick that his sister got him. She said “it had big pockets that might be useful for doing whatever the hell it is Dick did all day”. Hysterical woman. Dick didn’t like the jacket but was meeting her for an Indian later so felt obliged to wear it.

Its a bit orange for a start, and it only had a single button on it. What in holy hell is that all about. And its made of wool. An orange woollen cloak. In Rotherham. 10 minutes in this rain and it will be so heavy the wearer will be paralysed. ISIS must be behind this. Man’s gotta take a gay disability jacket into a gun fight. What a day.

Dick spits his Lammy & Butler into the gutter, the coal coloured water extinguishes the embers immediately, and its swept silently away into the darkness. Evil black water. Dick swishes his cloak and follows the butt down the road towards the house.

Dick didn’t get in. He’d been a dick online and sided with a wrong un, so they told him to fuck off. He’d never get invited to parties ever again. And they laughed at his new coat. Wankers.