The middle aged thread

All those injuries you had in the past that you thought you'd recovered from, but from middle age onwards come back and remind you you are fucked.

Hip, wrist, neck, knee and toe injuries all coming home to roost. I woke up last week with a hurting coccyx...how the feck can you injure you coccyx while asleep!? I honestly thought I'd been probed by aliens in the night or had been sleep falling down the stairs, while going for a middle of the night piss (another side effect of being old, fuck you prostate!).... but no, I'm so fragile I can injure myself in a motionless unconscious state. No Doc I don't have dementia, its not that I forgot how I got injured, I don't how the injury happened despite being there all along, and no, there was no alcohol involved....on this occasion.

And I'm still 20 years short of the free bus pass, fuuuuuck. I'd shuttle myself off to Dignitas if the staircase to the plane did'nt seem such an insurmountable mountain. Pass me another cardigan, harumph.

Corpses are good fertilizer no?

Maybe you'll find a few gold teeth too, win win :p

Anyhoo good luck, I eyed up an allotment some time ago but just don't have the time.

We have a wood chipper. It is fucking terrifying, it scares me more than the chainsaw.

Wait till it grabs and yanks something you're holding onto...

https://www.bbc.com/ideas/videos/dying-is-not-as-bad-as-you-think/p062m0xt?playlist=imho

Not entirely convinced, until I get a personal recommendation from someone who's actually tried it I'm going to give it a miss.

I suppose once you know you are dying, you stop worrying about nearly everything. Bit of a high price though!

I found that bit about death row somewhat impalatable, you can even get people that are tortured by the state to accept their miserable fate. (must not re-read 1984)

Joys of toy shopping

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The Flying Scotsman is at Kings Cross this morning, the place is teeming with middle aged white men.

It’s like a Who’s Who? of the sex offenders register.

Oh yeah?

A good opportunity for you all to catch up then.

Nose trimmer recommendations?

I use the attachment that came with my hair clippers.

You were there?

I thought it was just ears that grew bigger as I got older? Now I need to worry about my nose?

It’s when your barber trims your ears and eyebrows without asking that you realise you’re on the cusp of middle age and old age.

remington

Had that for the first time recently. Until then they'd asked. Increasingly onerous hair management is one of the major banes of getting older. I've even started getting the occasional hair growing on the outside of my nose as well as the inside.

I struggle with the logic that it rapidly fucks off from the top of my head and reappears elsewhere.

I remember the first time my little sister went to a swimming pool with my father, who by that stage was very thin on top but still had a Sean Conneryesque thatch of hair on his chest. He walked to the side of the pool, and my sister said, very loudly, 'Daddy, that's where all your hair's gone!'

Increasingly onerous hair management is one of the major banes of getting older.

Yeah. Using Just For Men on your balls gets a bit tedious.

I've given up and just let them all go silver, get long and it's now in a pony tail.

I'm happy to say my pubes are still jet black. My eyebrows are starting to have a little salt in the pepper. This is a good thing as if they don't catch up with my greying hair soon I'm going to end up looking like Alistair Darling. Or the love child of Alistair Darling and Dennis Healey if Livia stops trimming my eyebrows.

My eyebrows are the only patch still black, but they are growing longer. All other head, body and pubic hair are heavily seasoned. Reminds me I need to trim the brows later when I do my hair and beard. Always nervous about trimming my brows. Not fucked it up yet but its only a matter of time before I make myself look like I'm trying to audition for a 90's boy band.

Trimmed my chest/belly hair once when I was bored, that was a bad idea. The cut ends of the remaining and regrowing hair is "sharper" than hair growing from scratch so when they curve back towards your skin it's itchy as fuck, for weeks.

I was once told that one's hair greys in proportion to the time that the particular area has spent in the sun.

I wish I had worn a hat.