Jokes / Joke du jour!

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?... one... but the lightbulb has to want to change.

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One Hundred. One does it and the other ninety-nine sit around and go 'Huh, I could do that better...'

How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two, one to twist the bulb and one to hold the step-mother, er, ladder.

haha!

More band jokes...

How do you know the drummer has arrived? The knocking gets faster.

An anthropologist visits a long lost tribe in the middle of a jungle, and the tribe seem to have a drum playing constantly. After three days of constant drumming, the anthropologist asks "Why the drumming?". The chief replies "If the drums stop, a very bad thing happens.......

....bass solo!".

"Vat iz your name?"
(SLAP)
"Ahhh!"
(GASP)
"Vat iz your rank?"
(SLAP)
"Argg!"
(GASP)
"Vat iz your mission?"
(SLAP)
"Nyrggg!!"
(GASP)
"Vill you ztop hitting me ven I am azking you zees kvestions!"

The knocking gets faster.

lmao

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

It's a new number, you probably haven't heard of it yet.

2007 called.

I was reminded of one of my old faves the other day...

'Old macdonald had Tourette's ,
Fuck, shit, Cunt, shit waaaank'

Needs to be sung...

Q. What should you do if your nose goes on strike?
A. Pick it.

Bloke walks into a pub with his dog which dumps on the floor without him noticing. Little guy walks in next, slips on the turd and ends up in a heap by the bar. As he picks himself up a big guy does the same. Little guy says to the big one "I just did that" And wakes up in hospital.

Probably the ultimate chat up line... what's the difference between jam and marmalade. I can't marmalade a cock up your ass.

Best joke in a looooong time! #respect

Bloke walks into a pub with his dog which dumps on the floor without him noticing. Little guy walks in next, slips on the turd and ends up in a heap by the bar. As he picks himself up a big guy does the same. Little guy says to the big one "I just did that" And wakes up in hospital.

Yeh. That would work I'm sure. Look out for this response...

What's the difference between squash and cordial?

I can't cordial your balls between 2 house bricks.

I hear wedding bells already...

How many lead singers does it take to change a lightbulb...?

1 to hold the bulb, then the world just revolves around them.

2007 called.

It's always 2007 in LFGSS. Wanna buy an aerospoke?

"So it turns out that if you bang two halves of a horse together, it doesn't make the sound of a coconut”

Ken Dodd

Regarding his famous tax fraud trial: Ken Dodd told the Inland Revenue he didn’t owe them a penny because he lived near the seaside.

RIP Genius

Jimmy Carr must be taking comfort from all this.

.

I bought a really terrible thesaurus yesterday, it’s terrible.

I bought a thesaurus today, when I opened it, the pages were entirely blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

First rule of Thesaurus Club. You don't talk, converse, discuss, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, gossip or natter about Thesaurus Club.