Owning your own home

Internally, chimney stacks have no ventilation

Blocked fireplaces? Reinstate them.

Leaking gutter joints

Standard.

Rotting timber behind gutters

Caused by above.

Splits to flashing above porch

Bit of mastic might sort that until you can get it redone.

Possibility missing planning permission and certificates to an internal chimney stack removal

I would be concerned about this if there are unsupported chimney stacks above.

No evidence of any dpc

There may not be one.

Ground levels at rear are less than 150mm below assumed dpc height "ground levels should be lowered accordingly and this can be achieved by excavating a trench and backfilling with shingle" - wtf does that mean, I need to move the floor!?

No, lower the ground outside the house by digging a trench. Of course if there is no DPC then this is needless.

Rendering extends below dpc level and should be cut back above dpc level

Is this why they can't find a DPC or isn't there one? If there isn't one this will achieve nothing.

No extractor fans in either bathrooms or kitchen

You need something in the bathroom. And a cooker hood in the kitchen.

No trickle vents in 2/3 bedrooms

Are these double glazed? is there damp? if so fit some. If not, don't bother.

Condensation noted around windows indicated cold bridging is occuring
Windows do this.

No sub floor ventilation at rear

An air brick below the floor level will fix this.

Some rot on timber sub frames of windows

If it's not too bad it can be cut out and replaced, or even stabilised with epoxy and filled

Something about open hopper heads and how they are bad and should be replaced with sealed fittings

I don't have a clue what this is.

Something about iron soil and vent pipes and they need a cowl

Not really sure why

The garage has fucked roof and the door and windows need replacing, gutters too

Standard. It's probably fine for a year or two.

Fences on side and back are fucked and need replacing

Not a problem unless you don't own them and the owners don't want to fix them.

Driveway paving is cracked and missing in places

OH JESUS NO! RUN AWAY!