Jokes / Joke du jour!

Life of the party there.

Took my kid swimming the other day. He went into the kiddies end and I told him I was going up to the deep end because I needed a pee. As you do.
I never noticed the life guard sitting there. He shouted, "Oi you, ye dirty B*****D. Stop that right now!"
I got such a fright, I nearly fell in!!!

Decided to take a dip in our local swimming pool the other day.

The lifeguard shouted "Oi! Get out of there! You can't bring that in here!"

"But, it's only hummus", I replied.

A test of affection:
Lock your dog and your wife/girlfriend in the boot of your car for 4 hours.
When you open it again, see which one licks your face.

Rag n bone man walks what looks like dog poo into the house. His wife gives him hell. He sniffs it and sings....

It's only hummus after all
Don't put the blame on me

That's Tzatziki why you can't take it in there.

yeesh this threads a p.i.t.a - think i'll come back taramasalata.

Shish! These puns are bad!

It's all Greek to me....

Can you do any feta?

Menemen have tried, but I'll tzatziki what I can do

What do you call a man with chickpeas, garlic, tahini and oil on his genitals?

A hummus sexual

What do you call a man with chickpeas, garlic, tahini and oil on his genitals and C4 strapped to his chest?

A suicide bummer.

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult for the couple to coordinate their travel plans. So the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, while his wife planned to fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter of her email address, and sent the email without realising his error.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a Baptist minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email, expecting condolence messages from family and friends.
But after reading her very first email, she screamed and fainted.
The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: February 21, 2017

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in.

I’ve seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here

This Fibonacci joke is as bad as the last two combined.

I don't get this one. Can someone sum it up for me?

Me and the missus tried sex in "The Plumber's Position" last week. We stayed in all day and nobody came.

Don't worry about it, cos it's just a sine that we've gone off on a tangent.

I'm not sure you can integrate trigonometry puns into a Fibonacci joke.

They do get a little hard to differentiate, but I'm sure we're all equal to the task!

Can someone sum up the maths gags for me?

They're easy as pi

TL=DR%

(Don't know how to do the 'squared' symbol on iPad....)

I'm not sure you can integrate trigonometry puns into a Fibonacci joke

hypotenuse to me