Monkey Tennis

Poor patrol, following the exploits of Etonians armed with £20 notes and a lighter bothering proles.

Gay moth roams, Bertie the lime-hawk and his grindr tour around the UK's major cities.

Celebs go dating

People with spray tans who you've nearly heard of being forced into indentured labour by a nasty smelling overlord to shin up 60 foot palm trees collecting fruit.

Naked Attraction
People wear all the money they have in £50 notes instead of clothes, and contestants choose which ones they want to date based on some coefficient of wealth v. visible body parts' attractiveness.

How Reem is Your House

Competitive show based on value of property and contents, perhaps a taste-based elimination process via a public vote, the losers have to sell everything and give the fund to homeless people. The next step in the fertile 'property porn' genre.

Band on the runs - A history of diarrhoea inflicted on Paul and Linda by their tofu rich diets.

Tattoo Gixxers

Show where people have their tiny holiday tattoos that read 'I love cock' covered up with massive tattoos of lions heads etc by artists simultaneously riding Suzuki GSXR1000 bikes

You've been 'splained - Women and minorities are told what their problems are and how to fix them by old white men.

Holmes under the Hammer - Arne Hammer lies atop a contestant dressed as Sherlock as they try to solve mysteries as quickly as possible.

approves of pitch

Secret lives of dogs - episode 1 focuses on Gorp, a 5 year old Great Dane, beloved pet by night, but holds a dark secret, by day he is a successful commodities trader!

Secret Dives of Logs - documentary investigating what happens when wood falls into water.

Planet Heath - Truman Show-style reality show starring Ted Heath.

Songs of Crays - documentary on the mating calls of underwater crustaceans

Black adder goes forth - Chris Eubank fails to make the podium at a local maths competition.

Ginger Warrior UK

Chris Evans and Carol from T'Pau present this all action show where pale and interesting people pit their wits against each other in a battle to run over foam things, over water and that

Pop Idol - burst inflatable Billy Idol shaped bubble wrap

Bitches and Blunts - James Blunt and his family show a behind-the-scenes view of their dog breeding programme

Celebrity Juice - Two teams of Semite celebrities go head to head in a futile competition hosted by Keith Lemon.

Would buy a TV too watch this

Catchfraise - Kelsey Grammer is given a twenty minute head start then hunted to the death.

Heart to Hart - following Kevin Hart through the process of trying to get an organ donation.

.

"Noel Fielding and Sandi Toksvig to present the Great British Bake Off on Channel 4....no, skip that, Lynn, that's terrible. Awful idea."

Ha!

The Acid Test - Kirsty Allsopp redesigns interiors after she drops psychotropic drugs and has chemically induced vision of a property.

Booom 1000