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Well_is_it
Not the prettiest (far from it) but a smart watch that doesn't look entirely stupid, the Martian Notifier (admittedly the name is stupid).
Analogue watch is a normal quartz with just a small screen for notifications and vibration function. It's a bit thick but not that bulky. It was only £25 which is reasonable. It's American so probably isn't sending everything back to China, maybe just the NSA instead.