Epic fail

Maybe if I'd cut through my chainstay with a hacksaw to free the chain, would that be epic enough?

Nope that would still be stupid

Or praps if I tried to ride the bike as it is and got decapitated by a bus?

Ditto

Or what if I chained myself to the bike and set my flat on fire, then rode up the inside of a tipper truck?

Ditto

or maybe if I rode the bike off a cliff while tossing off to a video of russel crowe fucking himself up the ass with a broken chainstay?

Ditto. However this would be less tedious than your usual input

Or what if I drank six cans of beer and posted a load of random shit on a bike forum? Then threw up over my keyboard?

Ditto and you would be a lightweight.