This morning's commute and other commuting stories

Blow him a kiss next time. He'll probably take it the wrong way but it's hardly your fault for trying to spread love and peace.

And the obligatory bonnet shitting.

Hit my first pedestrian today, riding up through Leadenhall Road - He was defo a banker, so not too guilty. And he had a brolly so probably a posh banker. Was coming up the left of a taxi (my bad) at a green light. He did that thing where, instead of jumping out the way, he froze on the spot and just started shuffling left and right.

Blow him a kiss next time. He'll probably take it the wrong way but it's hardly your fault for trying to spread love and peace.

This. Confuse them. It fucks with their head. And whilst they are using their limited brain power to think, you can cycle off into the sunset.

I love the ped freeze. I was barreling down a hill the other day at the bottom of which were lights, a left hand turn and a ped crossing on the other side. I was giving it beans through the green light and picking my line when a girl decides to cross. It might have worked for us both if she just carried on, but instead she froze right in he spot me and my bike were going to be in about 1 seconds time. What was irksome about that is she looked me in the eye as she started to cross, so she knew I was coming, must have badly misjudged the speed I was doing. I braked and swerved and gave her a reproachful 'oh come on, please, for fuck's sake' to which I got a 'fuck off' in return. A less alert cyclist might have just barrelled into her, and at 30mph it wouldn't have been pretty, but apparently it's ok to tell someone to fuck off when you've cross the road in front of them dangerously.

Saw a cyclist freeze the other day on the main E&C roundabout. Joining from the Southern entrance, she saw some others go for a gap so followed them only to realise she didn't have enough gas to make the gap and all the traffic from New Kent Road was now bearing down on her. She panicked and just stopped in the middle of the roundabout. Thank fuck at least the driver of the #100 bus was awake.

I found a new commute: Olympic Park - Hackney Wick - Victoria Park - Regent's Canal. Only two sets of traffic lights all the way from Leyton to Old Street :)
and it avoids cs2

There are those that freeze. And then there are those that look you in the eye and don't change their direction or speed at all. This happened to me on Whitechapel Road a while back - Guy was crossing on an amber and had spotted me charging towards him but carried on purposefully slowly. So I thought 'fuck it, I'm going to steal his hat'. However I misjudged my speed/ hand-grab co-ordination and ended up giving him a 20mph open palmed slap on the head.

Employing the age-old 'fuck it, I'm going to steal his hat' response in the wrong circumstances can have very negative consequences.

Job interviews, meeting the parents etc etc

There are those that freeze. And then there are those that look you in the eye and don't change their direction or speed at all. This happened to me on Whitechapel Road a while back - Guy was crossing on an amber and had spotted me charging towards him but carried on purposefully slowly. So I thought 'fuck it, I'm going to steal his hat'. However I misjudged my speed/ hand-grab co-ordination and ended up giving him a 20mph open palmed slap on the head.

Haha, incredible. I always feel the urge to high-five people hailing buses but have resisted so far. I'd feel terrible if I gave some poor sod an open palmed slap to the head, they're already having a shit day if they're riding a bus, no need to make it worse.

Most irritating thing about telling that story at work is the immediate assumption that I did something to provoke it all,

You did. You were on a bicycle, on the road.

#heinouscrimes

So I thought 'fuck it, I'm going to steal his hat'. However I misjudged my speed/ hand-grab co-ordination and ended up giving him a 20mph open palmed slap on the head.

It might be entirely possible therefore to retell your story as: someone was crossing the road, I passed them at speed and deliberately slapped them. Awesome. Great story. Makes you sound like a real nice guy.

I found a new commute: Olympic Park - Hackney Wick - Victoria Park - Regent's Canal. Only two sets of traffic lights all the way from Leyton to Old Street :)
and it avoids cs2

I did that route for a few years but speeding cyclists on the tow path annoyed me so I used Hackney Road, Bishops Way.

Freezing peds are the worst. Barelling through canary wharf at 25mph and a whole idiot family step out in front of me from my right, moving left. The son and father have the good sense to run across the road when they spot me but the mother is left there. If I go one way then I smash into the blokes, but she begins shuffling back the other way, narrowing my options. Eventually go right and skim her jacket as I pass, and just yell "you stupid bitch" in front of a whole Saturdays worth of can wharf tourists.

Felt that angry/sorry/adrenaline feel.

For the second time in as many weeks I've been behind someone who all of the sudden stacks it for no reason. Last week it was a girl on a town bike, this week a chap on a fg/ss with bullhorns, just boom tumbled over themselves. Maybe a foot in the front spokes? But no curb, no other cyclist, no external factors. In baseball it'd be what's called an 'unforced error'. Just people crashing for no reason. Anyway I stopped and checked on them and they were fine, stayed with them while they did a self-assessment and for the adreneline to cool down. But weird man.

Pothole? Loss of concentration? Bagstrap or something falling into spokes? Hidden camera setup to catch your reaction?

The thing to do in these circumstances is look for a common factor.

The second thing to do in these circumstances is to keep away from me until the ineptitude field you are transmitting wears off.

"ineptitude field you are transmitting"

I'm using this at work today.

It might be entirely possible therefore to retell your story as: someone was crossing the road, I passed them at speed and deliberately slapped them. Awesome. Great story. Makes you sound like a real nice guy.

Honestly, in my head it was going to be a comical disappearing of hat routine. I felt absolutely awful for slapping him, not in my nature.

For the second time in as many weeks I've been behind someone who all of the sudden stacks it for no reason. Last week it was a girl on a town bike, this week a chap on a fg/ss with bullhorns, just boom tumbled over themselves. Maybe a foot in the front spokes? But no curb, no other cyclist, no external factors. In baseball it'd be what's called an 'unforced error'. Just people crashing for no reason. Anyway I stopped and checked on them and they were fine, stayed with them while they did a self-assessment and for the adreneline to cool down. But weird man.

It's the CIA.

For the second time in as many weeks I've been behind someone who all of the sudden stacks it for no reason. Last week it was a girl on a town bike, this week a chap on a fg/ss with bullhorns, just boom tumbled over themselves. Maybe a foot in the front spokes? But no curb, no other cyclist, no external factors. In baseball it'd be what's called an 'unforced error'. Just people crashing for no reason. Anyway I stopped and checked on them and they were fine, stayed with them while they did a self-assessment and for the adreneline to cool down. But weird man.

I went for a run around Kensington Gardens yesterday lunchtime - it was like god was playing invisible skittles with the boris bikers, they were toppling over all over the place. Some crashed into each other, others just fell over on their own. At least they were in the park rather than on the road...

Barelling through canary wharf at 25mph and a whole idiot family step out in front of me from my right, moving left. The son and father have the good sense to run across the road when they spot me but the mother is left there. If I go one way then I smash into the blokes, but she begins shuffling back the other way, narrowing my options. Eventually go right and skim her jacket as I pass, and just yell "you stupid bitch" in front of a whole Saturdays worth of can wharf tourists.

Stopping/slowing down not an option?

Can't stop, don't want to.

^ Negged

^premium nerg