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Near Waterloo today. A corduroy-sporting cyclist pedalled furiously out of a side road in front of me without looking and rode diagonally across two lanes of traffic with similar gay abandon.

Oblivious to screeching brakes and honking horns, he proceeded flat out through a red light, diagonally across the junction and up the wrong side of the road into oncoming traffic.

I almost admired the utter lack of fucks he gave.

I’m not a meteorologist either.

(I felt left out.)

“they couldn't seem to keep a chef for any period of time”

They were all bellends.

“Bellenden Road”

Can we just take a moment to celebrate this glorious street name?

“retina burning trillion proton scatter ray lights”

... on the front, which come on automatically whereas for some insane reason the rear lights do not, so everyone thinks they have their lights on but are actually Invisible Ninjas from Behind.*

*Which, coincidentally, is one of my favourite fruity films.

While passenger in a car, I videoed a driver bumping his car onto the pavement, crossing a line of children walking to school and driving along a raised cycle lane to avoid traffic. I reported it to the polis, along with a note saying I had the footage. So far I’ve had an acknowledgment that they’ve received my report, but no follow up and no request for the footage.

The report was made about three months ago. Something tells me they’re not in a rush to do anything about it.

Did my first commute in London for ages today (moved out of town a few years ago).

More nodders than I ever remember, which I suppose is a good thing on the whole if a little annoying.

Also noticed that, whilst the trend on fixeh skiddrs used to be for ludicrously narrow bars, now it seems more towards the super-wide, mid-rise MTB style bar. Anyone able to shed light on why that’s changed?

Wheeling my bike out of my house, I noticed a 4x4 approaching at speed. My street is extremely narrow and in a 20mph zone. Instinctively I put out my hand and touched the window as he passed. I don’t know why.

He stopped and enquired with some force as to what my game was. I explained that, in a residential street not much wider than wing mirror width, at school time, in the rain, I thought 40mph was a little excessive.

His measured response that he was accelerating to pass me so he didn’t have to stop and that anyway I should fuck off and mind my own business made me laugh. This did not please him.

He informed me that if I touched his car again he would feel obliged to fuck me up. I responded that if he returned to my street at high speed he would certainly feel the wrath of my fingers again. This also was not met favourably.

I had unlocked a car to get something out of it, so Detective Dickwad inferred that this was my car. He asked me if it was my car. I replied that it was my car.

He politely informed me that he would be back later to trash my car.

He did not come back.

fapping hard chode

Much swindled. So trust.

Yeah, true. Not intentional though - a new pannier would actually have been a hundred quid, which I asked him for and he bartered me back.

Knocked off last night by the driver of an Addison Lee wagon. Police ANPR Interceptor was six feet away. They pulled him.

I thought my pannier was broken, so he gave me eighty quid. Found out later that the part to replace it cost eight quid. Went out for dinner.

Left the guy being nicked for invalidating his insurance by taking his family in the back, and carrying a baby without a child seat. He had a bad day, all in.

An 'oh shit' moment for me as he turned across me, and a longer, more drawn-out 'oh shit' moment for him as the copper opened his rear door.

Calling myself out too: a woman failed to stop at a junction in Hoxton and, instead of just braking and letting her go ahead, I squashed her into the side of the road to prove a point. She was justifiably pissed off at how close I rode to her.

I had some bad news today and was still taking it in, but the answer is not to cycle feeling like that or just to let others get on with what they're doing.

Dick move; no excuse. Sorry lady.

Cracked a rib mountain biking at the weekend, so very tentative commute this morning. Provided easy gratification for non-broken riders who passed me like I was stood still - happy to be of ego-boosting service, ladies and gents.

Waiting in front of taxi at Angel red light to filter right (straight ahead and left are green):

Taxi driver: BEEP BEEP (unintelligble shouting)
Me, smugly: It's a red light. What are you beeping at, mate?
Taxi driver: My friend.
Friend, in another taxi: Yes, he was beeping at me.
Me: Oh.

3.5/10 would overreact again

Especially as he pulled a motorcyclist over for crossing an ASL - right next to an Operation Safeway officer who was doing nothing about it...

Stopped by a motorcycle copper this morning for RLJing at Kings X - he couldn't nick me as he couldn't see the light, but gave me a good talking to. He was bang on - it was a stupid RLJ so a good stop.

I then followed him all the way to Old Street; along the way he stopped three motorcyclists for dodgy riding. Genuinely restored some of my faith in good policing.

Arrived unexpectedly at some road works on yesterday's commute. Hopped onto the pavement for the first time in years. Instant karma: fell off into a long, thin puddle and slid along it on my hip, spraying mucky water left and right as I went.

It was worth it for the haze of Minstrels crumbs a homeless man sprayed over me as he cheered my demise.

choccy/10 would munch on sloppy seconds again

What about calling "morning" in a cheery way? (Or afternoon, evening, middle-of-the-night etc.). Works for me when I'm occasionally lured onto the towpath by sunshine sparkling on the sewage.

Failing that, try "POLICE!" at full whack.

Three things that have happened recently, in no particular order:

1. Stopped by a 'siding' on the canal towpath and rolled backwards into it to show off my clipped-in reversing skills to a friend. Fell over. Couldn't get up without help.

2. Told a guy who was weaving all over the road and RLJing on a cargo bike that he made me "ashamed to be a cyclist". He told me I'd "get over it pretty soon." He was right, I have.

3. Passed the 15,000 trouble-free miles mark since I started using Gator Hardshells (more than one pair, obviously). Sorry Hippy, but I think they're awesome.

Another vote for Soho here.

During a conversation with colleagues about tomorrow's bus strike, it dawned on me that I don't actually know how to get from home to work on public transport because I've only ever come by bike.

I've worked here for three years.

/smugcyclecommuter

I'm a teacher. Can't risk it.

Slowed down to let three people pull out of side roads and one turn across my lane. Got nice smiles from all three. One was very pretty.

Arrived at work to find I'd left my pants at home. Had to wear my bib shorts all day under my suit. Made me look slimmer.

9/10

I had a long chat with one of the sergeants involved with Operation Safeway; he kindly phoned me after I sent an email enquiry to the Met. I've condensed my questions and his responses, hopefully accurately and certainly without comment (spoiler: it doesn't include anything about brakeless...):

Q: Why are officers stopping people for not having helmets etc.? This isn't illegal.
A: It's the same as officers telling people to keep their phones out of sight at cafe tables in tourist areas; it's a preventative measure.

Q: Why don't officers fine car drivers who cross the ASL, even when lights are red?
A: Operation Safeway has fined people for this, but ASLs aren't always a good idea and we don't think they really work. Technically, if a cyclist crosses the ASL anywhere but through the hatches next to the footway, they've also broken the law.

Q: Why don't officers speak to pedestrians who cross the road in moving traffic?
A: It's not illegal.

On a rare outing on foot in Battersea last night, I called a guy out for riding his bike on the pavement and he stopped and pulled a knife on me.

I always knew being a ped was dangerous.