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^ What if he was trying to touch your bum? That would be OK, right?

He was close enough, certainly. The only people who are allowed to touch my bum are my wife, my doctor and my scoutmaster.

To the unshaven bloke in cycling cap and plus fours (!) on a purple-ish SS going west on Bayswater Rd yesterday evening... don't draft people you don't know, it's not polite.

Also, every single ASL full of motorbikes. Twats.

I think we lost that battle a long time ago. It now seems to be normal behaviour for mopeds and motorbikes to occupy the ASL. And they can't hear you tutting because they're wearing helmets.

lol. The expression does cover it well, I reckon he was thinking there was a 20% chance we were going to whisk him away and treat him to a bit of this:

a young German postboy, a bit like a ginger Rolf out of the Sound of Music only not so dreamy looking

Love it. He says thanks by the way:

And it was "SCAMBETH Road" he was after - all the A-Zs in the world couldn't have helped him; he was dead lucky that LFGSS was there to save his arse.

Good ride fellas.

Glad you're ok Clive. I applaud the anti-climactic zen-like end to the story!

Yes I'm in for once, would be good to see you reprobates again - south side Lambeth bridge 1pm.

+1 yes it must be the schools - I've noticed a sudden spike in twattish driver behaviour in the last three days eg Beemer attempting to undertake me at speed round Hyde Park Corner and coming within inches of my back wheel - I had to deploy a hard stare.

A colleague asked me yesterday if I could give advice on purchasing a bike "in the £150 range". That was almost as daft a question as this one.

Seeing as it's a short distance, is it worth doing as a race / all*ycat type thing?

Just stumbled across TimeOut's review of the refurbished Crabtree here fyi...

http://www.timeout.com/london/restaurants/reviews/22330.html

In case anyone was after some more advice along these lines...

Do you make a habit of walking out over zebras before checking that the traffic is actually stopping? If yes, then you are going to get hit sooner or later because law and reality are not the same.

...I got some similar offerings from the internet:

*MOTORISTS: When going through a speed camera, flash your lights twice quickly and watch the driver in front hit his brakes when he thinks he's been caught.

*[I]CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a sore behind by simply placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack.[/I]

[I]GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.[/I]

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

[I]MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire - then turn it down three notches. This saves your wife having to do it.[/I]

DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

[I]BANGING two pistachio nut shells together gives the' impression a very small horse' is approaching.[/I]

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

CAR THIEVES: Don't be discouraged if nothing is on view. The valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

[I]SINGLE MEN: Convince people you have a girlfriend by standing outside Topshop with bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.[/I]

MICRA DRIVERS: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the thing like a sodding dodgem car anyway.

• 
  SINGLE MEN: Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV while trying to watch something on Discovery Wings.*
  
  

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping it into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After three miles, phone your wife to take the egg out the pan.

[I]SHOPPERS: Take one grape to the till. It won't register on the low-tech, insensitive scales so you will get it for free. Repeat this procedure 100 times or so and you have yourself a free bunch of grapes.[/I]

WHEN visiting a motorway service station for a cup of tea and a slice of cake, make sure you arrange your bank loan or second mortgage before you get to the tills, saving time and embarrassment.
[I]PHILANDERERS: Avoid the embarrassment of shouting out the wrong name in bed by having flings only with girls who have the same name as your wife.[/I]

You're that busy, you don't even have time to write 'dickheads' in full.

The stock hasn't arrived at SJS yet - when it does, they'll appear on the site and we can buy em. (I have no inside knowledge, I just read the previous page of the thread you lazy fucker.)

pigeons feel very hollow, like they don't have any insides.

Birds are very light, it's how come they can fly. (I once had to liberate some baby pigeons.)

But do you not think on some level 'why bother'?

I've seen it outside my gym in Barons Court before. Am I missing something? Does he change gears with his fingers?

/attachments/13036

Seeing as we're doing 'celebraty' spots today...

James Dean Bradfield, having a fag & a coffee outside High Road House in Chiswick, doing the crossword with a pencil and rubbing out his mistakes.

Due to an odd set of circumstances, the top-race of my headset is gold, while the rest of my bike is black. It's very noticeable for such a small component, but doesn't look bad at all. It would be a pain in the arse for a thief to swap out. Armed with a photo, even if the frame number's filed away, it would be near-incontrovertible evidence that the bike's mine. Just a thought...

Do you want to be the kind of person that never goes out, never sits in a restaurant unless there's a wall in the back etc?

Shit, I never go into restaurants unless there's a wall in the back. Now I feel like a wanker.

Great story - very pleased for you!

And if you're buying a great-looking bike at a knock-down price from some hoodlums on Brick Lane who don't seem to accept Visa and Mastercard, you are just turning a blind eye to the fact that it's stolen. So if it's taken back off you moments later and you're out of pocket, I am shedding no tears.

This is Boris Johnson's one big contribution to London under his rule. Scrapping a bunch of buses years before they go out of date, in order to score cheap political points. What a tool.

the white line's nice and smooth

...and slippery if even vaguely wet.

Sounds like a suicidal way to ride.

There's a two hour training course for a fiver - google london cycle training. As long as you live or work in a London borough it's available. Two hours one-to-one training on how to handle London's road delights - it's ace.

In the meantime, stay well away from parked cars and HGVs, look back over your shoulder as frequently as you would look in your rear view mirror in a car and assume every other road user is about to perform a road manoeuvre that will kill you.

Brilliant tale - nice one! Good for you for bringing all the documentation with you to pin the little fucker down with.