Fucking terrible gifts for cyclists

My god there's a lot of people and websites offering up truly awful potential presents.

So let's see what we can look forward to in our stockings this year!

How about - 20 fucking shit cycling sportives in exotic south east England? http://road.cc/content/review/172398-20-classic-sportive-rides-south-east-england-colin-dennis

Or perhaps, having read mamil-bibles '100 Climbs', '100 more Climbs', and '100 small bumps in SE England', you want to experience them for yourselves without actually having to go there? Well, fret not! You can test yourselves for those excruciating 4 minute efforts at home on your turbo with the 100 Climbs fucking DVD box set! http://www.amazon.co.uk/Climbs-Greatest-Cycling-Turbo-Training/dp/B018POSTPU/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1448966547&sr=8-5&keywords=100+climbs+dvd

More please.

I got a really shit book called 'bike porn' once, which was full of shit bikes. I get cycling gifts every year, but I've usually made sure they're always useful. I can never get enough lights, gloves or leg warmers because I always lose them, so I always ask for lights, gloves and leg warmers.

I got bought a handy multi tool thingy that was made of cheese.

I took it on a ride from Bilbao to San Seb a few years ago and was stranded because I couldn't tighten something because I'd fucked the spanner undoing a bolt.

I wasn't best pleased to say the least.

I got treated to this last year:
http://www.zazzle.co.uk/ibike_t_shirts-235923830317329334

Dear God.

And I got given a bell in a secret Santa once that was pretty shit

I have a saddlebag which actually opens up into a rucksack. Kinda emergency luggage.

Why?

I have been given Bike Porn, the pizza cutter and an Urban Cyclust subscription recently. Bless them.

Taking up running (under the Triathlon guise) has solved this problem for me. I now get quite useful running related presents (running tops and posh socks are a good call). No more cycling related shite.

Anyone remember those terrible terrible tool kits that came in a water bottle shaped holder?

I got a good half dozen of them over two Christmases.

Yeah thanks, I really wanted to sacrifice hydration in order to carry around tools seemingly made of papier mache.

I remember those.

'Cos none of us carry bags and really useful on a track frame with no bottle mounts...

Just got given one of these by my mum. Can't decide whether I like it or not:

http://www.cyclemiles.co.uk/shop/cyclestyle/id-rather-be-cycling-bicycle-mug/#.VmVZEbiLRpg

^^^

I've seen worse...

I don't know about anyone else, but I think the reason I get treated to gifts like these is because I'm fairly indifferent to Christmas so never mention any wantor need of things to others, and when people ask me for ideas I usually say something like "ah, I'll have a think to see if I need anything", but never do.

I don't really like the idea of spending money for the sake of it, but I also hate people spending money on something that won't be appreciated and is likely to be binned/buried away at the back of the closet.

I'd rather just have the company of friends/family and eat good food, but some people (my parents for example) just have to buy things. This year I have actually given suggestions to people if they want to spend their money on me.

^ Our way of solving this is to do a Christmas draw (I'm one of four, my wife is one of give, we have 18 nieces/nephews). Rather than everyone buying everyone else presents we each just buy for one adult and one child (on each side) although my parents want to buy for each of their grandchildren. That way you can get them something nicer (and speak to parents/spouses to work out what would be a great present for them if you're drawing a blank) and (the main reason behind it) have money left over to give to charity.

Yeah, I actually want some tyres for xmas, because I always seem to need tyres, but no one can be arsed to listen to me moan on about which tyres I want. And if I wanted cheap tyres I'd just buy them now!
I got a really shitty coffee table book last year - bicycle designs that changed the world - or some such shit. full of concept e-bike wankness. my kid likes ripping the pages out so that's something.

My brother summed it all up rather well - "I don't really need anything, but if you want to give me something then give me vouchers for somewhere/something, because anything else is basically landfill..."

My mother wasn't particularly impressed.

Much like @Pifko, my mother has a long held tradition of buying things for the sake of it.

I had to ban my mum from buying me any useless plastic tat. It just makes me want to weep. Straight in the bin. She's generally a conscientious environmentalist but Christmas crosses a wire in her head somewhere.

Literally ANY BOOKS about bikes are shit shit shit. Seriously I can't think of one book about bikes that I haven't totally hated.

Only the bit of Richard Ballantyne where he describes how to kill dogs is the exception to this.

Elaborate please. Nearly spat me tea out.

from here:http://www.cyclechat.net/threads/how-to-deal-with-dogs-or-has-this-guy-got-issues.95412/

"If the dog attacks: one defense is aerosol pepper sprays made for this purpose. They have a range of about ten feet and are light enough to clip to your handlebars. A water pistol loaded with a water-amonia solution will also work but is a good deal less convenient. If you have neither of these and can't or won't climb a tree get a stick or a large rock. No? The bicycle pump. Try to ram it down his throat. In any event, don't cower or cover up, because the dog will only chew you to ribbons. Attack. Any small dog can simply be hoisted up by the legs and his brains dashed out. With a big dog you are fighting for your life. If you are weaponless try to tangle him up in your bike and then strangle him. Kicks to the genitals and which break ribs are effective. If you have got a pump or a stick hold it at both ends and offer it up to the dog horizontally. Often the dog will bit the stick/pump and hang on. Immediately lift the dog up and deliver a very solid kick to the gemitals. Follow up with breaking the dogs ribs or crushing its head with a rock. If worst comes to worst ram your entire arm down its throat. He will choke and die. Better your arm than your throat."

Apparently you should clench your fist first before ramming it down the dog's throat.

Interesting advice!

Fat Man on a Bike books are funny, so's French Revolutions, so's Three Men On a Bummel. The Mark Beaumont round-the-world ride book is good. I got the 100 Worst Cycle Lanes book a few years ago, which is as shit as you'd expect. "He rides a bike! It's about bikes!"

This should be a laminated print out for all the starting TCR riders