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I have an unreasoned dislike of cars with four wheels, and heavier vehicles with more than four wheels.
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Audi drivers surely are the most prevailing stereotype. Possibly because they never pass up an opportunity to demonstrate why they are so proud to bear the Olympic rings of shit driving. I think it's the combination of arrogance and money. I imagine that most of them have sold their former vehicle to the next asshat down the chain.
The BMW driver. Similar attitudes but without the backup of consistently being well monied. Short bursts of bravado and cockiness but easily worn down by bravado.
Vectra drivers seem to be the runt of the litter, desperate to impress and develop some social status on the roads lead them to behaviour that is the small-minded sibling of the above. Pettiness above bravado, callousness above self-worth, dick moves to all other road users all the time.Other indicators of shoddy driving;
Baby on board signs - Combining a new found paranoia that everyone else on the road is a homicidal maniac with the self-obsessiveness and delusion that thinks safety and good parenting come with blaming other people and purposefully cluttering their rear view are the right things to do.
Fish symbols - There's no shortage of bizarre beliefs and delusions so it would be erroneous to directly associate Christianity itself, or any other religion with crap driving. However the kind of god-botherer who feels the need to proclaim their faith through a symbol on their bumper seems to be the same ones who believe that everything everywhere is all part of God's plan and therefore there's no point in paying attention while driving because what will happen will happen. There are several dogmatic flaws in this belief but the only time you'll get to have that all important theosophical discussion is while you're waiting for an ambulance. Expect to bleed to death while they try to heal you with a spot of praying.
Grandparent driving signs - They were brought this sign as a it of a joke by someone in the family because of a couple of recent "incidents" that could have ended up a lot worse. They kind of recognise that their age means that their reaction times and skills have diminished and the increase in traffic and street furniture isn't helping. However they're also of the opinion that they're too long in the tooth to bother with even trying to change their driving habits and regard driving as an absolute right seeing as they've done it forever and have given oh so much in service to their country.
Royal Mail Van drivers. Once upon a time the RM was service to be proud of, respected by all. Alas a few decades of mismanagement and losing touch with the modern environment has rendered it a lot less relevant in today's society. Sadly no one has told the employees who still seem to carry the self-importance they they're virtually one of the emergency services. I guarantee if you fitted the vans with a siren it would be in constant use. At least then you would hear the coming. responsible for SMIDSYs cousin, SMIDTM. -
Well they think we're all RLJ-ing, bearded, hippy, unionists so lets throw some shit back at them.
In my experience Range Rover drivers are the worst on the road, they don't seem to know the size of their vehicle and generally the drivers are dicks. Like all 4x4 owners they always pull/push out more than other motorists uising their sheer bulk to intimidate us into yielding, big is best. No you fucker, the sign says 'give way' not 'make way'.
Following a close second are the Mercedes drivers, who like the many GPs that drive them, have a false sense of entitlement and drive in a world of their own. Don't you know I'm a doctor? Having a Benz is the vehicular equivalent of this. It means they simply don't need to look coming out of junctions as you are supposed to have noticed it was a Benz pulling out, recognise its owners importance and know your place, peasant.
3rd worst are the BMW drivers, usually the fastest on the road, the ultimate driving machine attracts the 'real' drivers. If only this were true. The older ones are the ones to watch out for, usually the ones that end in 5i. Telling a 5i driver they can't drive is the most offensive statement possible, and in their eyes, punishable by death.
And finally any car with a bodykit. It may have started life as mums little run around but that citroen saxo with the cherry bomb exhaust and 18 inch rims is also a menace. Their stereo is usually more powerful than the engine so at least you can hear them coming, but inside is a seriously sexually frustrated virgin. He (yes its always a he) is now on the drivers ladder, and though he aspires to own a 5i one day, for now he thinks he can gloat in at least having more chance of getting laid than any guy with a bike.
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Whilst I'm not a fan of stereotypes*, I do get nervous around 4x4's with baby on board signs (and actual children in them) with parking sensors on the bumper.
Distracted, harassed mothers driving unweildy vehicles and who aren't aware of the exterior dimensions have caused me a few wobbles.
(Any car with parking sensors gives me the worries really - they are a definite sign of an incompetent driver.)
*Just about to buy an Audi. FML.
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*Just about to buy an Audi. FML.
Nothing wrong with the Audi itself, just remember that they are like The One Ring. You find it and you think it's beautiful and interesting and get inside and it fits really well. It's power proves useful and you find yourself thankful that you've bought this and not a Focus. It will be precious to you. But over time it's power over you will grow until you become a greedy, obsessive, bald twisted version of your former self. People will suggest the Audi needs to be destroyed making you angry and irrational leading you to vile deceptions in order to protect it and take it back. In the end you'll drive it into a lake of lava.
I can only advise that as soon as you develop a hankering for raw fish that you sell it and spend the money on therapy.
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I can only advise that as soon as you develop a hankering for raw fish that you sell it and spend the money on therapy.
I think there's a bit in the handbook about that.
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Mini drivers - young, shallow, far too complacent to worry about other road users. More likely to have hands on Samsung Galaxy than steering wheel.
Hire vans - simply don't have a fucking clue what they're doing. One got out to fight me the other day, then realised that you shouldn't weave into the cycle lane without looking / indicating and got back in the cab, looking embarrassed.
Old BMW/Mercs - cars of choice for recent immigrants who haven't yet got used to UK roads or sat the UK driving test.
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Lol at some of these stereotypes.
I'm not racist, but...
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Lol at some of these stereotypes.
I'm not racist, but...
Balls. It's safety - when you're cycling in Spain you worry most about the hire cars driven by Brits who aren't used to left-hand drive.
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I'm joking. Mostly.
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I don't know nuffink about cars but the expensive big engine bmw-types seem to usually be the cars who absolutely MUST overtake you as soon as they catch up to you, at all costs, no matter how inconvenient or impractical it is for them, like rushing for the gap between you and a traffic island instead of waiting 20 seconds until there's two free lanes beyond it. All so they can accelerate to 40mph for all of 3 seconds before they hit a red light and have to stop.
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Sat nav gawping, "I am bring death, blue badge of certain oblivion" sporting, black Toyota Verso drivers in ill fitting shirts and nylon ties - which are designed to deliver a sense of responsibility and trust but ultimately retain the odor of a desperate man who has ripened for 9 sleep inducing hours in his aluminium shitbox with his arse pressed damply against his grey and red lumbar support, nearside seat cluttered with Kinder Bueno wrappers and baby wipes, gassing idly to pals on his sci-fi battlecruiser pilot earpiece purchased from the bargain basket by the side of the til at an all night garage just outside Hertford while stopping for a ginsters and a plastic ice scraper to scoop hen party vomit off the rear upholstery.
These. These are the ones to watch out for. And they are many.
conker
markrjohnson
user16171
The_Seldom_Killer
blue_fleet
johnnyhotdog
not4sale
knightlancer
NurseHolliday
HillyBen
bothwell
Scoot
Rawrrr
Wrongcog-
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About
Rider Safety - Car Stereotypes
Posted by
@Rik_Van_Looy
I was overtaking a line of cars this morning and became curiously anxious as I overtook a vauxhall vectra.
I think I was subconsciously descriminating against owners of this particular vehicle, assuming them to be elderly right-wing arses.
I recognise this probably makes me a bad person, and that I also assume that drivers of Mazda MX-5's haven't seen me, and that whether they've seen me or not, drivers of pick-up trucks with aggressive names (Warrior, intruder, raging bull, barbarian etc) are perfectly happy to drive into me.
This reminded me of the "Know your enemy" section of "Richard's new bicycle book" (pg 140) in which he highlights some casual stereotypes relating to car ownership
e.g. Rover 3500 - The worst - driven by aggressive males as compensation for stunted penes.... and Citroen 2CV - Drivers considerate of other life forms, but governed by a constant need to preserve momentum etc.
I thought it may be fun (and potentially life-saving) to update this list and share experiences and light-hearted stereotypes of modern day road users.