Classic Viz

In honour of Pistanators now deleted thread....

Luckily i copied these and email them to someone:

• Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond

• What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

• Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P Boddington, Ringway

• Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising me I only had a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me but for my son with the same name who lives with us. Close call, Yours

• What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.

• I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

• WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

• Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds continue serving them fat f***ers? Its hardly fair.

• Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius

• The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.

• They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.

• If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Aberdeen received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?

• These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down

• I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

• Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.

• So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.

• I heard recently that, on average, Gordon Brown receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is................ who's sending the other one?

• If I was Peter Andre I would be concerned about the amount of time Jordan appears to be spending with Different Strokes actor Gary Coleman

• If you're ever choking on an ice cube,don't panic simply pour boiling water down your throat.

• Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?

• I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths. Tripod

• I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.

• If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing.

• I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'. I must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem.

• It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.

• I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.

• A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that 'God would make her better.' presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.

• 'She can dish it out, but she cannot take it', I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes.

• I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good.

• So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh.

• I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.

• Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.

• THIS new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with.

• TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied 'I'll tell you when you're older' when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's ****: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.

• I'M A terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something.

• 'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

• 'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976, 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison.

• How ridiculous of NASA spending billions of pounds to come up with the non-stick frying pan. In the weightlessness of space, the astronauts' sausages are just going to float right out of the pan. If anything, they should have been developing something to make them stick.

• MFI's new tag line is 'You dream it, we make it'. They are obviously relying on my dreams being mostly about cheap cupboards.

• I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are moving to India. I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the good work

wahey it's back
nice work soul

good work, I'm going to have a look through some back copies over the weekend for some classics.

clefty - that space case is ferkin awesome!

Phhhhheeew! TFFT!

:-)

What was the Profanisaurus name for that feeling you get in your lower bowel which means you know you have only 20 seconds to comply? Obviously to do with Robocop, but I can't remember the rest.

I often receive bills saying 'final demand'. But it never is. If
anything they start asking me for more money.

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'n' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.

They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School An@l that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.

According to Nietzsche, "That which does not kill me makes me stronger". I'm sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series of massive strokes in the early '90s which have left him an incontinent vegetable for the past 12 years.

Pepperami claims to be "a bit of an animal". I'm sure it is, but which bit exactly?
My money's on a baboon's cock. And after tasting their hot, spicy one, I can see why they've all got bright red arses

To give herself more street cred, Jennifer Lopez took the first letter of her first name, and the first syllable of her second name and rebranded herself as the more urban 'J-Lo'. I can think why Pete Doherty hasnt done the same.

It's a shame Fred West is dead. He would have made a cracking Mungo Jerry on 'Stars In Your Eyes'

I have recently started to masturbate whilst fantasising about Jeanette Krankie. My problem is that I cannot work out whether I am ***, straight or a paedophile. What do your readers think?

According to the BBC website, 'cocaine users are getting younger'. I have always avoided illegal narcotics but now I've found out that they actually reverse the ageing process I'm going to give them a bash.

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.

If Carol Vorderman is so good at maths, when is she going to realise a size 14 body doesn't go into a size 8 dress?

The other day when boarding a number 83 bus, i noticed that the driver was a woman. Now Im all for interesting sociological experiments, but I draw the line at risking peoples lives. Come on London transport, get your priorities straight.

The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting questions.
For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final score place our national champ in the world league table?

I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of.

"I recently attended a bull fight during a holiday in Spain. I went in with an open mind, but I can honestly say that I have never been so appalled and upset by an event in all my life. It cost £8 to get in, a can of coke was another £1.50, and I was sat so far at the back that I couldn't see the cows getting stabbed."

'You don't have to be a pilot to fly in the RAF' claims the advert. Imagine my confusion as I was led away in handcuffs from one of their planes.

I heard Welsh sportsman Joe Calzaghe on the radio recently, launching an anti-bullying campaign. Imagine my horror when I saw him later on TV repeatedly punching a man abpout the head and body

I was being chased by a police dog last week, and made the mistake of trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some sticks.
Stan Herschel

I've got a whole stash of 'up the arse corner' somewhere as well - must dig it up tonight.

@brm glad you like it dude, I take it - it's being well used :-D

and to repeat.
cartoon museum are doing 30 years of viz. who else is up for giggling like a 10 year old finding their first grumble mag?

In like Mickey Quinn!

what found round and at the raceground?

this thread saved my life earlier- after 2 hours sitting on the M25 in car-nodder traffic, howls out loud.
All up for stuff like Paul Whicker the tall vicar and other old skool shenanigans, my era but have you seen viz lately? Firmly believe that its as offensive, toilet level, deliberately self-referencing and howl out loud funny as ever, how they get away with some of the dodgy photo montages Ive no idea.
For ref the 'No Stabbin-Im Kebabin' cut out and keep vest of a few months ago was the funniest for my money for a long time.

Does anyone have the Thieving Gypsy Bastards strip that they could scan?

Best Viz strip ever.

favourite strips:

The Pirates of Ben's Pants
Dr Poo
Drunk Bakers

haha some genious in there

Roboplop?

What was the Profanisaurus name for that feeling you get in your lower bowel which means you know you have only 20 seconds to comply? Obviously to do with Robocop, but I can't remember the rest.

I didn't see the original thread - but did people see about this?

this thread saved my life earlier- after 2 hours sitting on the M25 in car-nodder traffic, howls out loud.
All up for stuff like Paul Whicker the tall vicar and other old skool shenanigans, my era but have you seen viz lately? Firmly believe that its as offensive, toilet level, deliberately self-referencing and howl out loud funny as ever, how they get away with some of the dodgy photo montages Ive no idea.
For ref the 'No Stabbin-Im Kebabin' cut out and keep vest of a few months ago was the funniest for my money for a long time.

It's not as good as it used to be.

^awesome comment!

@JC. see#9.

baggsie sid the sexist or mr logic. if we're going en masse.

What was the Profanisaurus name for that feeling you get in your lower bowel which means you know you have only 20 seconds to comply? Obviously to do with Robocop, but I can't remember the rest.

That is Robocrap: n. the ominous feeling in the lower bowel which leaves a fellow in no doubt that he has only 'twenty seconds to comply'.

my personal favorites were:

Abdul's special sauce: n. A thin, red oddly metallic tasting liquid occasionally found in *badly packed kebabs *and which usually ends up smeared around the mouths of hungry gents after closing time on Saturday nights

Arse like the top of a sauce bottle: sim. A less than clean rectum. A nipsy where slight spillages and leaks have dried in situ, and which will have to be picked clean

Percy Thrower's lawn: *n. *A *muff *that has been allowed to go to seed. A hairy unkempt fanny. Terry Waite's allotment.

Sneaky Hitler: n. The surreptitious slipping of one's index finger under one's nose in order to savour the aroma of one's ladyfriends* blip.*

Back on solids: adj. Descriptive of a woman who has recently been* drinking from the hairy goblet,* but who is now back eating beef on the bone. A cured lesbian.

Beaten like a ginger step-child adj. Descriptive of a particularly ferocious and merciless thrashing, for example off a bouncer at a nightclub, a policeman in a cell, or Bjork at Bangkok airport.

..and so may others...Robin Cooks beard, road to Grimsby, sigh....

Bertie Blunt, his Parrot's a Cunt

Watch Out, Beadle's a Cunt!

andy p,sir the reference from my profaisaurus is :- ROBOCRAP n.The ominous feeling in the lower bowel which leaves a fellow in no doubt that he only has TWENTY SECONDS TO COMPLY

viz roger's profanisaurus,the magna farta ,mine lives in the toilet with my other great reading matter

aeroplane blonde n. A dark-haired female that dyes her hair blonde ie.she is equiped with a "blackbox"

It IS as good as it used to be.

Mickey's Monkey Spunk Moped.

Game over.