Best of Bike Snob

really where would the world of cycling be with out NYC's bike snob?

i saw this post and thought it one of his best, so go on, the rest of ya whip out your favorite snob posts.

I've been lovin' the whole Apoca-Watch/PistaDex thing... Gold!
I heart BikeSnob... :)

the pistadex is brill, but a little one sided as people only report the really high priced ones

I think I need a new bottom bracket. How do I know which type I need?

If you’re not sure what kind of bottom bracket your bike has, use the Samuel L. Jackson method of BB identification. If at the time you bought your bike Sam Jackson was an extremely talented character actor who appeared in films like “Goodfellas,” “Jurassic Park,” and “Patriot Games,” then you have a square taper bottom bracket.

If Jackson had already done “Pulp Fiction” and was now getting top billing in films like “Jackie Brown,” “Unbreakable,” and the new “Star Wars” movies, then you probably have Octalink.

If your crank is neither Shimano or Campy, Jackson was starting to do movies like “Changing Lanes,” and you were starting to ask yourself, “Is Sam even reading scripts anymore?,” then you’ve probably got ISIS.

Finally, if Jackson had completed his transformation to camp-mongering schlockster specializing in B movies with serpentine references like “Black Snake Moan” and “Snakes on a Plane” then you’ve most likely got an outboard bottom bracket system.

**
Materials**

Bicycles can be made from any number of materials, but the most common are steel, aluminum, titanium, and carbon fiber. If you’re looking for your first real bike you should know a little bit about each of them before hitting the classifieds. Here are the pros and cons of each material:

Steel

Pros: Cyclists and builders have long sung the praises of steel, citing its strength, reparability, and magical ride quality akin to being carried across a land of mattresses while on ecstasy by a phalanx of fairies wearing running shoes. Common sayings include, “Steel is Real,” “If it’s ferrous, others will be jerrous,” and “Aluminum sucks, but chromium and vanadium will get you laidium.”

Cons: Rusts, goes soft, is noodly and heavy, can give you tetanus, and eventually will turn on you and try to kill you in your sleep.

Aluminum

Pros: Lightweight, inexpensive, stiff, and strong. Larger-diameter tube size allows larger manufacturer logos and more places to display clever stickers celebrating your political beliefs, sense of humor, and favorite equipment companies.

Cons: Rides harsh. Will fail catastrophically and without warning. Seven out of ten aluminum-bike owners do not live to regret their choice of material, let alone long enough to own another bicycle.

Titanium

Pros: Incredibly strong and lightweight. Riding ti is like being carried across a land of down duvets while on opium by herd of Jell-o horses all riding lugged steel bikes with Clement tubulars.

Cons: The vast majority of titanium bikes are built of tubing purchased from breakaway republics that were once part of the former Soviet Union. These republics subsidize themselves by dismantling their nuclear weapons facilities and selling the space-aged materials of which they are comprised to the West. The result is that most titanium bikes emit unacceptable levels of radiation. Owners of titanium bikes are transforming their DNA on every ride and are unwittingly spawning an army of mutants even as you read this. In an already uncertain time, this is, quite frankly, horrifying.

Carbon Fiber

Pros: Incredibly strong and lightweight. Used in space. Space! Riding carbon fiber is like a Caribbean vacation without hurricanes, getting sand in your bathing suit, or having to look at or interact with the locals. And for chrissakes, they use this stuff in space. I cannot stress that enough.

Cons: Carbon fiber delaminates in the sun, fails catastrophically, contracts and cracks in sub-zero temperatures, is water soluble and emits a sulfur-like odor if ridden in the rain, and because of the infinite shapes into which it can be molded allows bicycle manufacturers to build and market the ugliest bicycles the world has ever seen.

Pop quiz

http://bikesnobnyc.blogspot.com/2008/02/fixedgeargalleryof-pop-quizzes.html

Or this

http://bikesnobnyc.blogspot.com/2008/02/worst-of-nyc-craigslist-bike-ads-51.html

I loved his "what to do when falling over in cold weather". Quality.

"Hipster Cyst"

That's why it's important to check your bike for warning signs. Think of it as the equivalent of a home breast exam

http://bikesnobnyc.blogspot.com/2008/09/frog-in-throat-diagnosing-your-bicycle.html

**

Bike Polo**: A popular ironic social pastime for members of the bike culture who might otherwise opt for adult kickball except that it does not allow them to be close enough to their bikes. In New York City, bike polo is played in a Chinatown playground, which has resulted in exchanges like the following in many of the local homes:

*Mom: Hi, son. What are you doing home so soon? You finished all your homework so I said you could go play with your friends.

Son: Yes, but when we got there a bunch of big kids was already there. They said we couldn’t play because they were there first.

Mom: Big kids? How old were they?

Son: I’d say mid-20s to early 30s. They were playing hockey on their bicycles.

Mom: Those don’t sound like kids to me. You should have told them the playground is for children.

Son: We did, and they said they’d be done around 10 or 11 and we could play after that. We explained that was past our bedtime, and they said too bad, they all had graphic design jobs to get to the next morning too. But they did say if we got there at the same time tomorrow we could do “odds-evens” for it. They also said we could play if we wanted, but it looked really stupid.*
Beautiful.

Ha, loved the hipster cyst post... My Sparton is currently undergoing Knog Chemo... And the polo/graphic designer thing is pure gold... :D

Brooklyn jack crank made it onto Bikesnob today - check out the Orange Euskatel cap.
Finish on Flickr - Photo Sharing!@@AMEPARAM@@http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3227/2858947925_bcc7a74be0.jpg?v=0@@AMEPARAM@@2858947925@@AMEPARAM@@bcc7a74be0

if you don't know what an alleycat is, it's something that used to be a messenger race, then became a race for people who copy messengers, and then became a race for people who copy people who copy messengers.

you can't fault his attention to the facts

^One of his best...
http://bikesnobnyc.blogspot.com/2008/09/urban-alienation-cultural-carnage-and.html

ever since the NOBR AKES knuckle tattoo one a week or so back all i'be been able to do at work is think of knuckle tattoo suggestions and email to my mates:

KNUC KLES
ITCH YBUM
IAMF ARTY
CUPO FTEA
PIEP LATE
SCRO FULA

my streets ahead fave so far tho (not mine but from the comments on today's post):

MANB OOBS

B i k e c u n t

l o o k a w a y

edit: fuck the capital moderation software, fuck it actually in it's fucking arse.

dale you getting:

DOGS BALL

mekr usty

dale you getting:

DOGS BALL

nah, this ;)

BALD NUTS

Tatt ooed

LEFT RITE
RITE LEFT

both wrong

why the fuck would anyone... oh never mind

knuckle sandwich??