I much prefer your sentence, because, as you say, it flows significantly better and imho sounds more poetic. I guess it depends on the purpose. Interestingly (I think, anyway) in my experience in the legal world, by general consensus and "house style" commas are not used except in lists. Which runs contrary to the grammar I have been taught, such as I have been, but does at least illustrate that it is horses for courses.
tl;dr: depends on where it's being used, stick to your guns, yours sounds better.
[Oliver to come along shortly and provide a real answer]
I much prefer your sentence, because, as you say, it flows significantly better and imho sounds more poetic. I guess it depends on the purpose. Interestingly (I think, anyway) in my experience in the legal world, by general consensus and "house style" commas are not used except in lists. Which runs contrary to the grammar I have been taught, such as I have been, but does at least illustrate that it is horses for courses.
tl;dr: depends on where it's being used, stick to your guns, yours sounds better.
[Oliver to come along shortly and provide a real answer]