Will I die while cycling to work?

Carrying automatic weapons would likely increase your risk of injury. Those things are hard and heavy, landing on top of one will likely exacerbate any injury.

Not sure what headphones have to do with anything, unless you're wearing noise cancelling megacans blasting out Sunn O))) at full volume

True about packing a piece.

I think even stupid earbuds cut people off from their surroundings. Always amazes me some of the riders I see with phones in seeming to never bother looking over their shoulders before changing direction. And it makes it hard for them to hear me muttering 'you fucking dick' when they nearly take me out doing this.