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@deleted
That's truly shocking. I suppose you never know just how badly something like that is going to affect you. You hear of it happening to other people of course but never imagine that one day it will happen to you.
The feelings of horror and shame and guilt, perhaps knowing that if only you had been in the choir possibly, just possibly, you could have done something, all those feelings may seem unbearable now, But there are people you can talk to, in confidence, people who are trained not to laugh. Don't let pride stop you from asking for the help you need.