Tri / Triathlon / Triathlons - do they float your boat?

I've signed up with 4 friends for the Blenheim triathlon. Our individual skills are as follows:
Me) Riding a singlespeed (need higher GI) I can swim and haven't run ever. Smoker
Dan) Doesn't own a bike yet, runs regularly and can swim a bit.
Greg) Runs marathons, cycles with a club at weekends and does 3 -4 hours a day and cannot swim.
Steve) Doesn't own a bike yet, doesn't run and can swim a bit.
Dai) Doesn't own a bike yet, can swim as well as me and is a fat chef who can't run. Smoker.

Perhaps we are being a bit ambitious, but we have a winner takes all bet, so it should be fun. I hadn't realised how much effort and cost is involved in doing one of these.
Anyone in East London want to coach / train with me?

Dredge from page 1 but is the best post in this thread. I need to know who won!