St Crispin's Day Night Ride

Brilliant write-up Brain-Stew!
There appears to be a shit-storm on Facebook, but this is my account:

I met my buddy at Look Mum No Hands for a pie before heading to a house party in Victoria Park where coke was consumed, cola by us, 'caine by unnamed party go-ers. (It's an East Lon house party after all!)
First time in the Greenwich Foot Tunnel, it felt like I was going into a rip in the space-time-continuum.
We also got there on time (late) and faced the sign-up scrum also. I estimate maybe 1240am start for us. Kinda glad I didn't hook up with you guys, as you would have left me for dust!

We set off, it was cold, my bottom half wasn't prepared for how F-U-C-K-I-N-G cold it was. I can however recommend the Rapha Pro-team jersey!

When the stream of blinky lights went up Constitution Hill, I knew they were off course so my cycle-buddy, armed with local knowledge took us through 'the poshness', over the Albert Bridge, and a far nicer sections along the river which included avoiding York Road, hitting Putney Bridge Road and Lower Richmond Road.

Pearson's came all too sudden, but was a welcome stop for cake, coffee and loo. Luckily we got there when we did as it wasn't too queue-ey.
We too were on the ear-worm trail, my cycle buddy lifting my spirits with baritone versions of some mezzo-soprano songs.

Second stop, I was mega-cold. Agreed that tea was pretty much thermo-nuclear hot and "mother-bird" - haha so accurate. I was thinking more that they baked the pastry and then injection-piped the "meat" into it, it was that consistency.
Where the fuck was the espresso? Once again, glad we got there when we did, as when we left, the queue was down the road.
The advice to stop for no more than 5 mins was impossible, food queue and 1 loo - not our fault.

The next bit is just riding, cold, riding, darness, shit signage. Reflective signs would have been good. I think I missed EVERY ONE. Cycle-buddy & 2 iPhones were my saviour.
We missed the arrow for the Vineyard (was it there?) and so went past Twyford, but realised not too far off track, and turned back.
At the Vineyard, HEATERS would not have gone astray. Genius-guys were sitting on the bonnet of the van which was idling. I ate for the sake of eating, there was no enjoyment what so ever in the pre-packed frozen meals. I have no idea what time it was when we left.

More riding, and we reached the lake just at about sunrise. No food?! WTF? Was there at least a coffee option? I gelled up and at least there was space inside to warm up a bit.
It was lovely to cycle in the morning, dodging the road-kill. Badgers, birds, squirrel.
So to make up for no food at the lake, we rolled past that Krispy Kreme, and oh fucking yes we stopped. "Hello Mr Chocolate-icing-filled-with-vanilla-custard. I will destroy you".

As we were coming out, we saw some of 'us'. I yelled "Carry on. You didn't see anything. THIS NEVER HAPPENED!"

SS on the hills, fuck. Did take some pleasure in going past some dudes stopped with their carbon on the second hill.

A few too many chain-tensioner-fucking-up stops and eventually fixed, we made it back to the finish for stamps. I have no idea what time it was, but maybe 11am (too many chain tensioner stops!)? No one was really about, understandably. Just the photo guy and some stampy chicks. No bikinis 'fraid.
"Who needs the opposite sex when the Thames Barrier looks like this?" Yeah, the photo guy didn't do it for me either.

We also went up to see the Thames Barrier, cycle-buddy demolished a Belgium bun and we listened to another crew talking about getting cabs to New Cross (really?) and we cycled via the river path to North Greenwich to get the clipper home-ish.

I hardened the fuck up and did my normal commute home, up Constitution Hill, that ain't no fucking hill in comparison to those we climbed.

There was way too much carbon-geared people, so yes agree with the smug satisfaction about my first SS century and first night ride.

Was I disappointed in the food? Massively. Did I want espresso? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably, if they sorted out the issues.