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@TM
i) Go fixed
ii) Remove brakes
iii) Cut down risers until there's just enough grip left to wrap your index fingers around
iv) Clips/straps/clipless are for nodders - use platforms, but cut them down to the width of your big toe
v) Wear massive headphones, but beef them up by wearing earplugs as well
vi) Never take your eyes off your phone whilst riding (the bars are just for show)
vii) Any chainring smaller than 50t, or any sprocket bigger than 15t is baby stuff
viii) Never ride in a straight line for more than 20m
ix) Never give way to anyone
x) Make sure your reach from saddle to bars is less than the width of your handspan.
xi) Don't do anything that looks too much like hard work.
xii) Don't be afraid to get off and push, or even jump in a black cab.