Rides for overweight unfit people?

Look, just face it fatty, cycling is not for you. There's TV, the internet and masturbation (or all 3 combined) for your sort. Why embarrass yourself and others by launching a flabalanche in ill-chosen 'shorts' and a jersey that with your figure looks more like a lady's sports bra?
If you insist on leaving the house (and, frankly, that's your first mistake right there) then you could order a taxi. Chances are the driver is an even bigger wobble-bottom than you are and you can strike up a friendship.
It may not be 'politically correct' to 'tell it as it is' these days but facts have to be faced: your future lies beneath the welcoming folds of a Kaftan, not astride a bicycle.

Ouch!

Great friends, right? :-)